A Current Today

This one did actually get finished, but the file is floating around somewhere on an old computer. It's a tragic loss for the literary world.

A Current Today


Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite: Good evening Australia, and welcome to another evening of A Current Today; the show that saved Christmas.

Before we begin tonight, I’d like to make a retraction on behalf of A Current Today, the network and myself. In our April 19th story on the programming director of Channel 5, we claimed that the aforementioned individual dabbled in the black arts, and was responsible for plague and pestilence. Regrettably, this information turned out to be false, and we have been forced to pay Mr. Williams a sizeable figure in damages. Whilst we cannot disclose the exact sum, he will doubtless squander all of it on indulging his ravenous cocaine addiction. We apologise for any confusion this report may have caused.

We embark on tonight’s instalment of A Current Today with the story of Neville Smythe, a World War Two Hero who has been prohibited from the pastime he loves by hard-hearted bureaucrats with no appreciation of the concept men like Neville fought for; a fair go for all.

[Dramatic music plays as we zoom out from an old black and white photo of a WW2 digger. The digger has crossed eyes and a blank stare]

Voiceover (Neville Smythe): When they told me…I just couldn’t believe it. I just could not believe it. How…how can they? It’s just plain wrong…they’ve taken the joy from an old man’s life!

[Cut to GHF standing next to a war memorial at dawn. He is smoking and doesn’t realise the cameras are running; upon noticing that they are, he stubs out his cigarette on the memorial, runs a hand through his hair, and begins to speak]

GHF: (Coughs) The man you (coughs again)…pardon me…the man you just heard from is Neville Smythe, a digger who serves with courage for Australia at El Alamein in 1942. Originally from Mukinbudin, Western Australia, 18-year-old Neville decided to enlist in 1940, after his dairy farmer father had deemed it a liability to leave young Nev alone with farm animals. Honourably discharged after two weeks of service as a result of accidentally shooting his commanding officer in the testicles, Neville returned to “Mucko” as a hero, and still holds the record for growing the region’s largest ever sweet potato. Currently living in an RSL home in Perth, Neville enjoys playing bridge, following his beloved West Coast Eagles, and spending time with his grandchildren.

Neville, however, also has another habit, and one that leads us to tonight’s story. Neville Smythe, war hero and defender of the ANZAC traditions, has been cruelly prohibited from his favourite hobby by a callous city council. Yes, Neville Smythe will no longer find fulfilment from his passion in life; arson.

[Cut to GHF sitting in RSL home common room with NS.]
GHF: Now Neville, I understand that the Perth City Council has opted to ban you from arson after you attempted to burn down a local primary school. Why would these heartless suits see fit to stop an old man, a war hero, from doing what he loves most?

Neville: Oh Garrick, I just don’t know. It makes me so angry, it does. How can they? All I done was burn down the school canteen! It’s not like kids need more food. I’ve got grand kids you know, and they’re plump little buggers.

GHF: It’s an outrage Nev, a downright outrage. You’ve been practicing arson for years without complaint, so why the uproar now? It stinks of foul play.

Neville: Too bloody right it does! Back in my day, arson was commonplace! Prime Minister Chifley and I used to burn down wheat silos all the time! I’ll tell you what it is, it’s these bloody bleeding heart, loony left Muslim-huggers in government now, telling me that I can’t singe a few kids…it’s…oh my goodness…

[Neville breaks down in tears]

[GHF reaches over the table and clasps Neville’s hands]

GHF (Softly): It’s alright Nev, old cobber, it’s alright…

[Cut to GHF standing on the sidewalk outside an office building]

GHF: It appears that whilst the government was prepared to turn a blind eye to Neville’s harmless incineration of forests, animal sanctuaries and relatives’ homes, primary schools are taboo in the eyes of these callous pen-pushers. The man responsible for this sickening vilification of an old ANZAC is Perth City Councillor Greg McIntosh. I’m standing now outside of Mr. McIntosh’s office, hoping to confront him about his appalling edict to ban Digger Nev from his beloved arson.

[Camera crew follows GHF inside the building. He approaches a startled receptionist]

GHF: Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite, A Current Today. I’d like to speak with Mr. McIntosh.

Receptionist: Mr. McIntosh is in a meeting at the moment, but if you’d care to wait for fifteen minutes, he’ll be free to see you.

GHF: Oh…alright, then.

[Cut to GHF and two cameramen sitting in reception area. GHF is reading a New Idea]

GHF: How about that Angelina Jolie stealing Brad from Jen.

Cameraman: Whore.

GHF: Oh, I know!