Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite: Good evening and welcome to another edition of A Current Today; the show that’s totally cool with just keeping things platonic, I mean really, why ruin such a beautiful friendship? It’d be crazy. Yeah, I’m totally cool just being mates. That’s that sorted then.
We begin tonight with a story featuring a man using a net to catch predators. A Current Today must stress that this is not a follow-up story about Hoos van Swiessenjoonk, the South African big game poacher who, at the time of filming, had suffered from an hitherto undiagnosed case of bi-polar disorder: Furthermore, we wish to divest ourselves of any responsibility for any figure-four leg locks, Indian burns or sautéing suffered by heavily-sedated Leopards during the aforementioned story.
[GHF shuffles papers at his desk, expecting to have already cut to story.]
GHF: Damned fruity yarpies…
[Story begins – GHF is sitting on a desk next to a computer, trying to act nonchalant. His top button is undone, left leg resting on the desk, right leg planted on the floor. He goes to plant his left hand on the desk but accidentally places it on the mouse, causing it (along with GHF) to violently lurch sideways. He regains his balance, looks at the camera despairingly and begins.]
GHF: The internet; where would we be without it? For millions worldwide, it is an indispensable tool, allowing us to bank, interact, enjoy sporting and cultural events, broadcast…
[Female voice interrupts.]
FV: Don’t forget shop!
[Camera pans across to where middle aged woman is sitting at another computer. GHF smiles sheepishly at the camera.]
GHF: My lovely wife Celeste! That’s right dear, don’t go spending too much on that sequined purse you found on Ebay (pronounces it “ebb-ay”).com!”
C: It’s a handbag, not a purse!
GHF (mumbling): Call it what you like, had my bloody balls in one for years…
C: What was that?
GHF: I said: “Check your emails, I forwarded you a hilarious slideshow of cats in various captioned predicaments!”
[GHF grimaces slightly then turns back to the camera.]
GHF: But although many call the internet the information superhighway, this is not a highway free of blights. Indeed, this highway is littered with seedy truckstops, in the fetid restrooms of which - amidst the caked-in stench of urine and semen - unsavoury lorry drivers and world-weary, ostrich-like prostitutes wash their genitals in hand basins of remorse, trying in vain to rid themselves of the viscous traces of another loveless, mutually-unfulfilling cyber-tryst all the while wondering why their moral compass has been thrown into disarray by the magnetic field of readily-accessible smut. Indeed, there is a dark side of the internet, a side [pause for effect]…that threatens perhaps our most precious commodity…besides nickel or maybe zinc….I mean…our most precious human commodity: our children.
[Camera cuts across to computer next to GHF which is displaying “Fatal Error 404.” Camera zooms in on the word “Fatal”/shot overlaid with a lingering and ominous synth stab.]
[Cut to GHF standing in front of a door.]
GHF: Internet chat rooms are a popular medium for young people to interact and discuss demographic-specific topics such as fashion trends and ribald dance manoeuvres. Secure in the company of their peers, today’s youth use the internet in the way previous generations used the school fete or fishing down the creek with the kids from across the road and congregate on - as they affectionately call it - “the W-W-W.” However, such chat rooms have also given sexual predators the means to prey on unsuspecting children by themselves posing as pre-teens and arranging rendezvous’ away from the watchful gaze of parents. There are, however, forces opposing these opportunistic perverts. Today, I meet with one of the men who fights paedophiles at the front line, on line (said in forceful, authoritative sexily-punny way.]
[Camera cuts to close up of SPAULDING – the word is obviously embroidered on a garment. Camera zooms out and reveals a man in his late 40’s. He is balding and sports a combover, has a chinstrap beard, blue zip-up nylon Spaulding track top, a pair of mustard track pants and a pair of Velcro Dunlop KT-26s. He has his arms crossed and is trying to look stoic and macho but doesn’t realise he has a large framed photo of himself dressed in drag on his coffee table. Camera pans away from man and zooms in on photo instead. He realises what is going on and shuffles sideways to block the shot. Shot ends on his mustardy crotch.]
[Cut to montage of man doing boring household things like watering plants, making a cup of tea, showing GHF photos of cats etc. “Heroes” by David Bowie plays during montage until GHF voiceover.]
GHF Voiceover: This is Warren Spenk; Warren might look like your everyday Aussie bloke, but his laid-back demeanour belies the fact that Warren is one of society’s unsung heroes. From the unlikely command post of this single-room flat in Rivervale, Warren wages war on paedophiles in children’s chat rooms.]
[Cut to Warren sitting down. Shot captures him from waist up, he’s at left of frame.]
W: A lot of people say you can’t combine business and pleasure, you know…but this is my business and it also brings me a great deal of pleasure. (Pauses.)
A great deal.
[Cut to GHF and Warren standing in W’s bedroom. Computer is visible in the background.]
GHF: So, Warren, this is where the magic takes place?
W (chuckles): I suppose you could say so, Garrick…
GHF: It certainly doesn’t look like much, but you’ve done a lot of great work here, haven’t you.
W: Well I’m just an ordinary bloke, Garrick, but I like to…y’know, it feels damn good to make a difference.
GHF: And of course you can always have a nap when you’re tuckered out! Working hard or hardly working, eh Wazza!
[GHF slaps W hard on the back and he noticeably recoils, laughing nervously. GHF looks at one of W’s bedposts.]
GHF: Ah, are those notches I see?
W: Well, umm…
[GHF cuts him off.]
GHF: There’s only two!
W: Well I uh, I lost count at…two.
GHF: Looks like there’s a bit of moss there in them…
[Camera lingers on W as he looks at the ground and rubs his brow, nods slightly and stays staring at the ground. Shot lingers for a few more seconds then cuts away.]
[Cut to GHF standing in front of W’s computer. W is sitting at the PC, back turned to camera, typing.]
GHF: Warren operates by assuming the identity of a young chatter and building rapport with legitimate youngsters by speaking to them in their own colloquialisms.
[Cut to computer screen showing an MSN chat.]
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
Have u got the new Doctor Dre album? It’s pretty whacked!
~/{MyFlAmeBuRnS4U]\~ says:
na I dun like him
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
Word!
[Cut back to GHF]
GHF: Once Warren has spent sufficient time chatting to another user, he will arrange a meeting with them in a secluded park on the outskirts of the metropolitan area. Upon meeting the child, he then reveals his true identity and drives them home in his panel van. No paedophiles are caught, but the process provides young chatters with a sobering lesson in the perils of trusting unknown internet contacts.
[GHF goes over to W at computer and squats down beside him.]
GHF: How are we going there, Warren?
W: Yeah, good mate…making a bit of progress with this one.
[Cut to computer screen again.]
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
Argh! It’s a damned repeat of Degrassi this arvo! I’m sooo devo! Like srsly!
Me n’ stef are the la la sisters n’ u ALL no it! says
lol yer I gess
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
I hate my dad.
Me n’ stef are the la la sisters an u ALL no it! says
lmao ur random ey do u goto st patrikss.?
[Cut back to GHF and W sitting at computer.]
GHF: There really are a lot of risks involved for children who use the internet, aren’t there Warren?
W (nodding): Oh yeah, Garrick…there’s all kinds of nasties out there.
GHF: Can you tell us about a few of them.
W (befuddled): Well there’s, um…there’s pedos. obviously; blokes who would take the kids to a park and take their beep and maybe do a bit of beep beep beep, twirl it around a bit and –y’know- beep them basically….there’s um…poofs…dykes…ahhh…viruses…Hindus…
GHF: Sounds like a bit of a minefield, Warren.
W (regaining confidence): Oh, it certainly is! It makes me really thuyen bak!
GHF: Come again?
W: Oh, I’m sorry…I drift in and out of Cambodian sometimes. I meant hopping mad.
GHF: Man of many talents! Where did you learn to speak Cambodian? And why?
W (curtly): Business trip. Business trips. Long time ago, I’m getting rusty…a-heh. Anyway, I think I’ve got one here!
GHF Voiceover: Warren has managed a breakthrough with a thirteen year-old girl who goes by the user name “Percentage sign, RITA, percentage sign, exclamation mark, LOL.” He’s going to attempt to take the conversation up a notch and lure her into what those in the industry refer to as “cyber sex.”
% RITA % ! LOL says
sooooo…u skate?
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
You bet your arse I do! Toni Hawk 4ever!!
% RITA % ! LOL says
ye ma xbf use 2 but he got hit in da hed pritty hard n coodnt do it ne more.
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
Oh, Snap!
% RITA % ! LOL says
ye. U got a pic I wana c if ur cute hehe
% RITA % ! LOL says
ima flirt if u dint notice!! ;)
Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:
I’m going unload my sac on you.
[Cut back to GHF and W at computer.]
GHF: So from here you’ll consolidate the relationship and arrange a meeting?
[W is distracted and doesn’t here the question properly.]
W: Hm? Oh…yep, that’s the one. Yep. Will do that.
[W’s wall phone rings.]
W: I’ll get it.
[W gets up abruptly and turns sideways, knocking over a pencil pot on the desk with his prominent erection. Camera once again lingers as GHF and W look awkwardly at each other.]
[Cut to GHF and W walking next to each other down a suburban street.]
GHF voiceover: Warren is a diligent servant of the community, and doesen’t confine his vigilance to the online environment. He frequently spends his time scoping out other real-world paedophile hotspots such as public swimming pools, playgrounds, neighbours’ backyards and primary schools like this one.
[GHF motions with his hand and camera pans across to show local primary school.]
W: Well they could be anywhere, really Garrick. That bush over there, for example…you could quite easily hide in there with a camera…maybe one of the boys would come over there because he’d been drinking a lot of cordial and needed to do a widdle but didn’t want to run to the toilet…maybe he’d get his willy out and just do a wee on the bush, and god knows you could get one, maybe two cameras in there and no one would be the wiser…no one at all…
GHF: Frightening, isn’t it?
W: Hrm? Oh…yeah, terrifying. Very, um…scary. And I mean, there’s safety houses around but the sign is what, a yellow triangle and a smiling house? You could forge one of those easily. All you need is some plastic from Bunnings…can get it for about five bucks…use a mounted saw to cut it down nice and evenly, maybe buff the edges once you’re done… then you’d just need one of those thick Artline markers…not hard at all. And the kids, well, they’re none the wiser.
GHF: Certainly an alarming thought for upstanding citizens like yourself.
W: You betcha.
GHF: Anyway Warren, let’s go in and speak to some of the teachers.
[GHF tries to usher W through the schools front gate.]
W: I’m not sure that’s such a good…
[A piercing alarm sounds from around W’s feet.]
GHF: What was that?!
[Camera pans down. W is wearing shorts and his legs are visible. Around one ankle is a bright silver band.]
W: Oh…it’s me umm…heart rate monitor. Plays up a bit when it gets near…grass.
GHF: The price we pay for good health, eh! Maybe next time then.
[W exhales loudly and wipes his brow as he and GHF walk away from school.]
[Cut to GHF standing with his back to the crest of an embankment at a local reserve. Children can be seen playing football in the background.]
GHF: Warren’s passion for community wellbeing isn’t all about preventative measures, either; he’s also concerned with nurturing young people and helping them engage in more positive aspects of childhood. It is for this reason that he revels in his volunteer work at the Thornlie Junior Football Club.
[Camera cuts to man in a cap with whistle around his neck.]
Coach: Yeah, Warren certainly makes a...unique contribution around the place. We didn’t actually need any volunteer orange-cutters, but he seems to enjoy the work…
[Cut to W, dressed in tight shorts with a tucked in tracktop, a foam tennis visor and thigh-high socks breaking out a Tupperware container full of orange halves. A boy approaches him.]
W: Oh, G’day Tim! Get a few touches out there?
T: I spose.
W: Well watch out, ya might get leather poisoning! Hahah!
[T reaches for an orange slice.]
W: Whoa! Your hands are all grubby there matey, you’ll get the shits if you eat it with them! I’d better feed it to you…
[T looks uncomfortable.]
GHF Voiceover: Whether it be slicing oranges, teaching the lads the secret behind his legendary torpedo punt [shot of W holding the ball sideways and kicking it straight up in the air in front of a group of disinterested kids and a fuming coach], providing moral support from the sidelines [W doing the Macarena and yelling “GO THORNLIE”] or affectionately dousing the team in canola oil [kids running out onto the field, W grabs one by the arm and sprays him with aerosol can of cooking oil, kid is wriggling, W: “Get ya nice and slippery there mate, don’t watch the tackles sticking!”], Warren does it all for the kids.
[Cut to GHF and W standing in front of the team, who are stretching.]
GHF (patronisingly enthusiastic): Cor, they look like a pretty well drilled unit Waz!
W: Oh, too right! They keep me on my toes, don’t you fellas!
[Kids all look blankly at W]
W: Yep, my little terrors! Stretch your groins, there lads, don’t want to pull a groin! Have to be a bit older before you start pulling down there!
GHF (confused): Heh…
W: You boys’ll be right into that one day…
GHF: Oh, wanking! I bet!
W (getting more excited): You’ll be at it all the bloody time!
GHF: All the time!
W (more excited): Telling mum you’ve been eating sprouts in your room again! Four times a day!
GHF: Ah, hormones eh!
W (yelling): OH NO MUM, I’VE GONE AND BLOODY SPROGGED EVERYWHERE!
[W laughs wildly as GHF chuckles, still oblivious to W’s depravedness. The kids look alarmed. W settles eventually.]
W: Right kids, stretch it out nice and hard for ten more seconds and we’ll finish up.
GHF: All in a day’s work, eh Warren?
[W turns to face GHF. There is a trolley with waterbottles on it between them. In profile, we see that W again has a prominent erection, which knocks over the bottles when he turns to face GHF.]
W: Ah…yep.
[Cut to GHF and W standing back at W’s front porch.]
GHF: Well mate, it’s been a pleasure and I think I speak for all of us when I say: Keep up the good work, cobber!
W: Thanks Garrick…I do it for the kids. All about the kids.
[As GHF is about to leave a girl scout selling biscuits arrives at Warren’s doorstep.]
GS: Would you like to buy biscuits to support…
[Girl steps onto porch and the shrieking sound from before is heard.]
GHF: Heart rate monitor?
W (hurriedly): Yep.
[“My Hero” by Foo Fighters plays as we see W scurry back into his house, leaving a bewildered girl scout and GHF on the front verge. Ten seconds pass, then we see one of W’s blinds move slightly and W peers out at the two from behind it before moving away from the window.]
[Cut to GHF back in studio.]
GHF: Warren Spenk; truly a paragon of selflessness. That’s about all we have time for tonight, but before we go I’d like to thank Primrose Orchards for their donation of a crate of navel oranges for tonight’s story; with any luck, men like Warren will be around our children’s navels for some time yet. Thanks for being with us, and, until next time, I’m Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite for A Current Today.
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