GHF: Hello and welcome to another edition of A Current Today; the show that really, really, really wants to zig-azig-AHH. I’m Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite and I’m [GHF squints as though looking at autocue, hesitates for a moment and continues slowly and sternly, though obviously perplexed] not…wearing any panties.
GHF: Tonight we bring you a story featuring two young Australians who have fallen afoul of the draconian laws of another country in a bizarre case of mistaken identity. Dominic Andericci and Tony Voulos now find themselves on death row in Bahrain, with Australian authorities seemingly unable to assist them.
[Cut to GHF standing at a desk with a globe on it. He spins the globe and places his index finger on what he thinks is a country.]
GHF: Bah…
[Camera zooms in on globe; his finger is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Camera zooms out as GHF frantically rotates and places his finger on Bahrain (Marked with a bright red X)]
GHF: Bahrain; most of us couldn’t even spell it, let alone locate on a map. But this small country, with it’s population of just over a million and it’s inconsiderately difficult to spell name is at the centre of a diplomatic maelstrom that looks set to result in the executions of two Australian teenagers.
[GHF standing outside Challenge Stadium]
GHF: Earlier this year, a Shotokan Karate competition was held here in Perth, attended by representatives from over fifty countries, including Bahrain. Bahrain, a martial arts-mad nation where statues depicting scenes from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s “Bloodsport” are commonplace in schools and outside of mosques, sent two competitors to the meet. The men, Courtney Hussein-Hussein and Tariq Akbal Nasser al-Bundy went missing upon touching down in Perth and are currently believed to be in hiding, hoping to be granted permanent residency. Under Bahraini law, the duo’s actions constitute treason; a crime punishable by death.
[Cut to GHF standing outside a JayJay’s holding a shirt.]
GHF: This [GHF holds shirt up, revealing that it says “Bahrain Karate Team est. 1979”.]
is the shirt responsible for the wrongful arrest of Dominic Andericci and Tony Voulous. Purchased by Dominic here at JayJays Morley along with shirts reading: “Wet Beavers: We Bring Logs to Your Dam” and “MILF AND COOKIES”, this shirt was mistaken as legitimate by Bahraini officials sent to Australia to apprehend the two athletes; a terrible case of mistaken identity that has seen Dom and Tony placed in Bahraini custody. Officials in Bahrain have refused to comment other than to say the pair were arrested largely because they were “kind of brown” and Bahrain “gotta execute some motherfucker.”
[Cut to GHF outside a building in the city.]
GHF: As there is no Bahraini embassy here in Australia, A Current Today has thus far been unable to contact any of their diplomats to discuss the case. We have emailed the office of this man, Bahrain’s Minister for Justice and Vending Machines, Taqir Omar Gawd [stock photo of Brad in condom helmet] but have as yet received no response. Amateur video has been released of the boys’ trial, where they were represented by the only English-speakers they were able to find in the country; a misdirected shipment of speaking Pierce Brosnan greeting cards.
[Grainy footage of the two boys sitting in cheap plastic chairs at a table. The judiciary panel consists of three men in robes sitting cross-legged on the ground holding assault rifles. They are accompanied by a small dog in a cowboy hat. One of the men aggressively addresses the boys in a foreign language (gibberish) and then glares at them. One of the boys stands up after the other elbows him under the table and opens a card.]
Card [Brosnan voice]: May this Christmas leave you shaken, not stirred.
[Judiciary begin screaming and firing their guns in the air.]
Seated boy: Nice one, pooftah!
[Cut back to GHF in studio]
GHF: As far as we can ascertain, the two boys have been sentenced to death. In accordance with Bahraini law, they will be doused in molasses and then brutally beaten with a donkey’s shinbone. As Australian representatives try desperately to extract the boys from this horrific situation, A Current Today has managed to secure the first ever interview with the boys. Tonight, we are joined via satellite link-up with Dominic Andericci.
GHF: Dominic, thank you for sharing your time during what must be a most trying period for you.
[Dominic is shown in stock photo in background. He is standing next to a plaster lion doing an “archer” pose in a pair of Adidas trackies and a backwards Juventus FC hat.]
Dominic: Yeah bro.
GHF: Now like everyone else, I’m curious as to just how Bahraini authorities managed to confuse two Australian teenagers for a pair of AWOL martial artists. Can you tell the viewers exactly how events unfolded on the day of your arrest.
Dominic: I dunno mate, I was going to pick up my nonna when she got in from Tripoli and I was like, wearing some bullshit shirt Jacynda bought for me but I had to cause she was coming with me and I had to pretend I liked it so I could get a wristie later but these lebbo blokes grabbed me and started yelling and shit and then they put me and Tony in handcuffs.
GHF: And no airport security came to your aid?
Dominic: Nah man, they had it in for us cause I wouldn’t take out my nipple rings when I went through the metal detector and some fat skippie poof had a go at me.
GHF: I see…and are you being treated well in custody?
Dominic: It’s a bit shit mate…like, it’s a co-ed prison but I don’t like asian chicks. If Jacynda is watching tell her that, I could have rooted heaps in here but I haven’t.
GHF: I’m sure she’ll be pleased to hear the news. From what I’m told, Bahraini prisons are notoriously brutal places; have you and Tony been subjected to or witnessed any acts of brutality?
Dominic: Well like, sometimes I do this thing where I yell “Guards, guards…oi, come quick mate, someone has guns in the cell!” and then they come running and its just me and Tony flexing and they like taser us and shit.
GHF: That sounds horrific…
Dominic: Yeah all the electricity fucks up our hair bro, it’s fucked.
GHF: We’re almost out of time, but do you have any messages to pass on to loved…
[Dominic interrupts]
Dominic: Oi, fuck off faggot!
GHF: Excuse me?
Dominic: Fucking Tony is making a face at me like he’s licking a pussy.
GHF: I…
[Dominic interrupts again, his voice more distant now as he moves away from the phone.]
Dominic: FUCK OFF! You’ve never even seen a mut!
Dominic [back on the phone, voice clearer]: Oi, I just want all of Australia to know that Tony has never eaten a pussy and the one time he hooked up with some dirty chick he sprogged his pants. [Distant again] Hahaahah! Sucked in, pooftah!
GHF: Dominic, this is a serious…
Dominic: Mate, you should see how red he’s going! He’s fucking crying mate!
GHF: You’re going to be beaten to death with a donkey bone!
Dominic: I have a donkey bone right here, Mr Reporter.
[Sounds of a struggle]
Dominic: Fuck off! Fuck off! Don’t touch my dick!
[Phone cuts out]
[Cut back to GHF in studio looking bewildered]
GHF: Tony Voulos and Dominic Andericci…two very brave young Australians. Now to the results of last week’s phone poll topic: “Is the road to Stalinism paved with low-rider jeans?”
[Cuts again to a photo of Brad in condom helmet]
GHF: Um…I think…
[Credits begin abruptly]
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