[Blank screen with voiceover.]
CJ: All my heroes…all the guys who really pushed the boundaries…at some stage, have had to overcome hardship. All of them.
[Shot of man sitting on a couch. He’s in his mid-thirties, with receding hair tied into a ponytail. He is wearing a “Good Bush, Bad Bush” T-Shirt (depicting a hairy mons pubis and former US President George Walker Bush, respectively) and has a single gold hoop earring in his left ear. He wears glasses and appears slightly uneasy about the interview. The man speaks again.]
CJ: I mean, for example, right...Richard Pryor: set himself on fire trying to smoke crack cocaine. Umm…Rick Shapiro: Worked as a male prostitute. A homosexual male prostitute, actually. And of course, Bill Hicks…pancreatic cancer. Dead.
[Man pauses for a moment.]
CJ: And…if I have to suffer any of those things to see my name up in lights…then so be it.
[Wistful piano music as camera cuts to a shot of CJ sitting on the edge of his bed.]
CJ: I guess I’ve always been drawn to humour and making people laugh…I think it’s just something you’re born with.
[CJ smiles softly, then chuckles to himself.]
CJ: I remember actually, in Primary School...I used to be a bit of a class clown, used to get up to a bit of mischief…I did this one thing where I’d impersonate the Principal, you know – he had this horrible lisp – and I’d say to the other children you know, stuff like “sssssthufferin’ sstttthuckatash!” and “stttthtop being sthiilly in sssthex ed!”
[CJ laughs with more conviction.]
CJ: I used to get a lot of “Clint, stop distracting the class!” and “Go outside, Clint!”...and the teachers liked it even less.
[CJ sits silently, still smiling and nods to himself.]
CJ: So I guess I’ve been stirring the pot, so to speak, for as long as I can remember.
[Cut to home video footage of Clint onstage. He’s wearing a ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt and cargo pants. He paces backward and forwards across the cramped stage.]
CJ: “And Labor’s solution to this is to ask us to vote for Mark Flippin’ Latham! The guy who makes the Khmer Rouge look like the effin’ Democrats!”
[Silence from crowd.]
CJ: “But you know what they say about the ALP, right? The Crean will always rise to the top!”
[More silence. Camera pans away to a disinterested member of the crowd reading the label of a beer bottle. Clint can be heard in the background exclaiming “so I was thinking the other day…imagine John Howard on Dancing With the Stars, wouldn’t that be..” (tape ends).]
[Back to CJ sitting on couch.]
CJ: There is definitely a political edge to the stuff I’m doing, yeah. I mean, I sometimes think, you know…Clint, you have a degree in Cultural & Media Studies
[Sudden cut to a photo of young CJ in a mortarboard. His gown is open and underneath he’s wearing a Hole t-shirt. He has one of his parents under each arm. They’re typical sunburnt suburbanites and have both got their eyes closed in the photo. A gigantic ECU banner is visible in the background.]
CJ: …you’re an educated guy. Why are you acting up in front of a bunch of strangers instead of being out there making a difference? But…to me, comedy is making a difference. You can make people think about things, sure. I mean…I could write a book, or a newspaper article…and I have written newspaper articles, actually…
[Another cut to a photo. It’s an opinion piece written in a local paper. There’s a small black and white photo of CJ baring his teeth and doing the ‘devil horns’ sign. Article reads “SUBURBAN SLAM WITH CLINT JOHANSSEN” with sub-title “ILUKA COUNCIL WHEELIE BIN EDICT UNJUST, TOTALITARIAN.”]
CJ: But all that would do is educate people. I want to make them laugh. And if they’re educated too, well…I’ve done my job.
[Cut to CJ sitting on an empty stage in a chair.]
CJ: I guess because of the kind of thing I’m trying to do with comedy, there are times when the audience doesn’t quite get my angle. Which I understand, you know…the first thing you learn is that the audience is never wrong…just sometimes maybe slightly uneducated, but it’s your job to reach out to them…I always try to lace my sets with some jokes for, ah…Joe Average, if you will. You know, the guy who gets home from pushing wheelbarrow or, um, welding… and has a beer, opens the paper…probably straight to the TV guide or…Hagar comics…then, you know…ahh…well I guess he goes to bed after that. Hopefully without having beaten his wife, or gambled away their food money on greyhounds. But I make sure there’s something for him in all my sets.
[Cut back to CJ’s performance tape.]
CJ: “So I, I um…I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, and you know, I asked why and she said “It’s because you’re a loser.” And that came as a real shock to me, because I don’t even support the Dockers, let alone bloody play for them!”
[Cut back to CJ sitting on chair.]
CJ: So yeah, it can definitely get a little trying, you know…but it’s certainly not going to deter me from doing what I love. I have an analogy, actually: the audience is like a computer. You need to fill it with information, you know…but if you try to cram too much onto the hard-drive…or the audience’s heads…the computer slows down and stops working. And sometimes that makes the computer a bit angry, and it will go and yell at me, or key my car…but really, it’s your fault for not having a better computer.
[Cut to CJ sitting in a café. He is reading a copy of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. He traces the text with his index finger and mimes the words as he reads. He pauses for a moment, puts the book down and produces a copy of the Oxford Modern Dictionary. Finding the word in question, he replaces the dictionary and resumes reading. Almost instantly, he puts the book down again and reaches for the dictionary.]
[Cut to CJ being filmed from across a table in the café.]
CJ: This is where I like to come for inspiration, just to, umm…people watch, I guess. I’ll sit here with a flat white, a novel…and just watch. I might think, you know “isn’t it funny how we’re in an economic crisis and yet…people are still buying things,” or…”why do men drink their coffees differently to women?” or…”oh, doesn’t that guy have a funny limp!” and just brainstorm for a while. I like to think of this as my office, so to speak. The dream factory.
[CJ chuckles to himself.]
CJ: The staff here are great, too. Really great senses of humour. There’s a little board outside where they like to write little poems or messages, just to give people a chuckle.
[Cut to a shot of a blackboard outside the café. It has ‘A Spoonfull (sic) of Sugar May Help the Medacine (sic) Go Down, But Our Super Sweet Lattes Will Bring You Up!”]
CJ: I help them out sometimes, actually…I said to Breeanne, the manager – she’s not here today – but I said, how about this one: “Henry the 8th: tyrant or twitcher? Go decaffeinated, not decapitated!” Haven’t seen it up yet…maybe a bit too highbrow, but all the girls had a real chuckle at that one.
CJ: But, ah…this is a really special place for me. I met Marnie, here actually. I was carrying a pot of tea over to my table and there was this, just…absolutely gorgeous woman sitting cross-legged on a chair, and I was…I was gobsmacked. I was so busy looking at her, actually, that I didn’t see this raised floorboard and…
[Cut back to CJ’s couch. A timid woman in her thirties is sitting down, dressed in a burgundy crushed velvet dress over green leggings. She has a single blonde plait in her brown hair and pulls distractedly at it as she speaks.]
Woman: …and it actually burned me quite badly. I still have this red mark…
[Woman goes to roll up dress over her stomach and shot cuts abruptly to CJ on the couch next to the woman.]
Marnie: I think…what attracted me to him most was definitely his energy. There’s a real vibrancy in Clint, a real passion that I haven’t found in any other men. He really loves to let you know how he’s feeling, to tell you what he thinks is wrong or unjust in the world and how he wants to go about fixing it. The whole car ride back from the hospital he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I think that’s when I fell for him.
[Camera shows close-up shot of CJ getting all misty-eyed.]
CJ: And with, Marnie…we just clicked. We love all the same things. Literature; film; nature; coffee, of course! I can have dairy, and she can’t, but that’s the only real thing. She actually gets violently ill. But you know, “soy be it!”
[CJ and Marnie share a laugh.]
Marnie: Clint’s really supportive of me and my career choices, too. I…I used to run my own Reiki clinic, and it was quite successful…but my passion has always been to write and illustrate children’s books that teach environmental awareness.
[Cut to a picture of a children’s book with a crayon drawing of a manatee with a plastic bag over its head. It reads: “PORPOISE IN PAIN” by Marnie Fern Morris.]
Marnie: So I decided to pursue that. And so Clint’s been great with supporting both of us. We just need to be a bit thrifty sometimes.
CJ: That’s right. I mean, Marnie always says “Clint, you have enough energy to power the whole shire!”
Marnie: It would be nice to be able to use the dishwasher sometimes, though…
CJ: I…yeah, but we’ve made choices, and we’re happy. Aren’t we?
Marnie: Oh, yes, absolutely. I just…no, it’s OK.
[Camera lingers on the couple. Marnie bows her head and looks like she’s crying. She squeezes CJ’s thigh. CJ looks limply at the camera without saying anything.]
CJ: Right….I’ll go check on dinner.
[Cut to CJ in the backyard with a shovel. He’s standing next to a shallow hole full of embers and is holding the shovel towards the camera. On it is a small alfoil parcel.]
CJ: Damper. Full of carbohydrates, easy to make…patriotic. Doesn’t require electricity…or running water.
[Cut to CJ in his study. He’s flicking through old posters and memorabilia.]
CJ: Every year I put on a self-funded one man show dealing with the topical issues at the time. Ah, for example…1999, I did GST=LOL, which I believe was one of the first times an internet acronym was ever used in live comedy. Umm…oh, 2001 there was “Clint Johanssen: Overboard!”
[Clint holds up photo of himself dressed in Afghan-styled robes and turban with a life preserver around his waist. The tag line is “100% Tampa-proof!’]
CJ: 1997 was a bit of a bust…
[Cut to a poster of CJ with a cucumber in his mouth, wearing a dress and mascara (which is streaked with tears.) Poster reads “Clint Johanssen Presents: FUCKING SLUT.”]
CJ: …where I was going through quite a rough divorce. I’ve been told my material got a little…um…”darker,” I suppose, around that time.
[Cut to another performance tape. The footage is grainy and 8/12/1997 is visible in the bottom right corner. CJ is stumbling as if drunk. He’s wearing a denim vest over a black turtleneck and sports round-framed John Lennon glasses.]
CJ: “So I say Princess Di? More like Princess DEAD!”
[Loud booing from the audience. CJ staggers around onstage giving the audience the finger before being struck in the head by a plastic bottle. He produces a pair of gardening shears from offscreen and begins to start hacking off clumps of his hair whilst screaming “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS IT?” before the tape suddenly ends.]
CJ: But, you know…I think that’s the thing about having an artistic temperament like mine, you have to take the troughs with the peaks. And I got to keep the Super Nintendo.
[Cut to shot of CJ at a desk, writing material. Each joke is designated with a bullet point that is red, green or blue.]
CJ (voiceover): When I’m writing material, I try to take into account the rhythm and pacing of my set. Most people don’t realize but there’s, um…a real…well, almost an equilibrium to a comedian’s set that has to be maintained. Sort of…an ebb and flow, if you will. If you start with all your strongest material, you run out of steam. It’d be like Shakespeare writing Romeo and Juliet, you know, first and then writing…um, y’know…
[CJ is stumped, obviously unaware of any other Shakespeare’s plays.]
CJ: …Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet.
[CJ turns from his work and speaks to the camera in realtime,]
CJ: What I’m doing here is labelling each joke with a colour; blue for hilarious; green for very hilarious, and red for killer hilarious, so I have a better idea of how to pace my set.
[Camera zooms in on the page. All of the twelve or so jokes on the page are marked red.]
CJ: So, ah, as you can see, I’m in the red in more ways than one!
[CJ’s desk lamp suddenly cuts out.]
CJ [from the dark]: Electricity company, nothing serious…
[Cut to CJ back on the stage in a chair.]
CJ: The set I’m writing at the moment is quite important, actually. Every year, the Dartmouth Arms runs a comp called ‘Search for a Funny C*nt.’ [‘cunt’ is bleeped.]...the winner gets to do a two-minute set on ‘Sunrise,’ so it’s quite an opportunity for me. Because it is such a big deal, it’s good to have friends to help with the plotting and rehearsal side of things.
[Cut to a man in a park wearing a foam visor, cargo shorts, Oakley hybrid shoes and a blue tanktop with white piping. He hits a tennis ball with a hockey stick, which is then chased after by a dog. He laughs, throws his head back and adjusts his visor strap. His left bicep tenses when he notices the camera is on him.]
[Cut to shot of sports man from torso up, sitting on a bench in a changeroom. He appears short of breath and flustered, as though he has just stopped exercising. CJ is on the bench next to him, and speaks first.]
CJ: I first met Marius back when I was doing some work at Mt Lawley High – I’m a relief English teacher, and he was doing some PE classes there...God, it must have been...how long ago?
Marius [heavy South African accent]: Well I come over from Jo’burg in ’92, after all the bullshit...maybe fifteen years?
CJ: Anyway, I was having some problems with a few of the more, uh...disruptive class members, you know, nothing serious...I’m fairly sure it was just a Mars Bar or something...but anyway, Marius found out about it and took the kid aside and had a few ‘stern words’, so to speak.
[Marius laughs heartily. He is affable despite his vanity.]
Marius: I find the kid and I say “Listen matey, in my country you have a good day if you don’t wake up raped and stabbed to death. You think putting crap on Mr Johanssen’s pigeonhole is funny? I’ve seen a man’s skull caved in with his own shinbone.” Then I pull out my wallet and show him a picture.
CJ [laughing]: How long did they suspend you for?
Marius: Nine weeks!
[Both men laugh.]
Marius: Bloody good fun, eh. So Clint and I have been mates ever since. In between doing the windsurfing school and the youth mentoring stuff, I like to help him out with the comedy and all that....make sure he doesn’t suck too much, eh!
CJ [trying to be witty, but obviously without a comeback.]: Oh, I could never suck too much!
[A terse female voice is heard offscreen.]
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!
[Camera pans over to an irate woman in a towel. The ‘female’ changeroom icon is visible behind her. Camera lingers, then starts to wobble as though being carried by someone running.]
[Cut to Marius driving whilst clint sits in passenger seat with dog on his lap. Shitty present-era Pearl Jam plays as they talk.]
CJ [addressing camera whilst still looking forward.]: We’re just on our way out to the community centre for a practice run. I like to use Marius as a sounding board for my gags...he’s given me lots of good feedback.
Marius [laughing]: ‘Retire’ is the bloody feedback I keep giving you. Never listen though!
CJ: Oh ho! Maybe you could, bloody...windsurf me some jokes, then eh? Anyway, how’s this one...”So I see Kevin Rudd wants to spy on our internet now, eh? Kevin 0-7? More like Kevin 007!”
Marius [laughing]: Yeah, good one. Keeper, yeah. What else?
CJ: OK, here we go... “America’s a funny place isn’t it. When I heard that sort of black, sort of white guy had been elected I thought... “Geez, how is Michael Jackson gonna find room to moonwalk round the oval office?”
[Silence.]
CJ: That one was marked blue, anyway...
[The car stops at a red light. Someone knocks on the driver’s window and Marius begins to yell.]
Marius: FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! I’LL TAKE OUT YOUR EYES!
[Marius starts fumbling for the hockey stick on the back seat whilst winding down the window with his other hand. A terrified window washer looks on as Marius starts swinging the stick.]
Marius: YOU NEVER TAKE MY CAR, BRO! I’LL EAT YOUR SHIT!
[The washer runs across traffic back into a park as Marius gradually calms down.]
Marius: Sorry, eh. It’s a Jo’Burg thing...
[Camera pans across to CJ’s terrified face peering from behind the dog.]
CJ: No worries...
[Cut to Marius facing the camera on a plastic chair in community centre. Clint is onstage practicing in the background. Though muted, he can be heard botching punchlines and admonishing himself.]
Marius: I think the competition is really important for Clint, you know. He’s battled bloody hard with the comedy thing, trying to make it work, and I think he deserves some success. He’s a good bloke, Clint.
[Silence in the background as Clint is obviously listening.]
Marius (catching on that Clint is eavesdropping): Shame he’s got such a weird-shaped...
[Clint begins telling jokes again.]
[Cut to clint performing. Marius is facing the stage, but turns his head to speak to the camera.]
Marius: What I do before his shows is toughen him up by giving him a few heckles and that...keep him prepared in case it happens on the night.
CJ: “And I’m thinking, who wrote this bloody curriculum – George Bush?!”
Marius: YOU’RE SHIT MATE!
CJ (pauses, then pantomimes drinking.): Bloody, someone’s having a good time, eh? Where you from mate?
Marius: SUCK MY COCK!
CJ (nervous): Um, nah mate...that’s ah, that’s your own...private activity...
Marius: BOOO! BOOOO!
CJ: What, um...what are you, a ghost or something? “Booooooo!” Freakin’ Casper over here...
Marius: I HEAR YOU’RE INFERTILE!
[Awkward, lingering silence.]
CJ: Right, yep. Good one...
[More silence.]
CJ: So anyway, who here is on the Facebook...
[Cut back to CJ at home. He and Marnie are sitting by the stereo holding hands. Marnie beams at the camera.]
Marnie: My sister managed to get Clint a spot on the radio to promote himself...we’ve been so excited all day.
CJ: Oh yeah, you know...I always got told I had a voice for radio. I mean...head for radio. That’s the joke, isn’t it?
Marnie: Shhh! Here it is!
[Introduction to radio show begins with dynamic synth pads followed by a deliberately nerdy voice saying “Gahhh, the square root of x multiplied by y is the velocity of the..” which is then cut off by a ladsy, 92.9 kind of voice exclaiming “Who cares if you know maths! Just have another BEER! 98.4, Rogue FM – no gimps, just party all summer!”]
DJ: Hey guys, welcome back to the Wet Waterbed with Simmo, Timmo and Shitface and today we’re joined by our very own local funnyman, Mr. Clint Johanssen. Sup, Clint?
CJ: G’day gang...thanks for having me.
DJ 2 [sounds like the irritating, sub-lad loudmouth from Year 9 History]: So hay Clint, do you mind if we call you C-Jo?
DJ 1: He’s still Clint from the block!
[DJs laugh amongst themselves.]
CJ: Haha, just as long as you don’t call me...Flo-Jo.
[Polite laughs.]
DJ 1: So Clint, you’re entering the ‘Search For a Funny bleep’ at the Dartmouth, right? Can you tell all the peeps out there what the deal-io is?
[Other DJ interrupts again.]
DJ 2: Yeah, will you be bustin’ some Dave Chappelle on us or, what?! I’M RICK JAMES!
CJ [politely]: Um...haha...not quite. Basically I’m doing a five-minute set at the Dartmouth as part of the comp, and the winner gets two minutes on Sunrise...so...quite a big incentive.
DJ 2: Well tell Kochy for me he’s a bloody champ!
DJ 1: You would say that!
[Two DJs laugh raucously.]
DJ 1: So Clint, what kind of jokes will you be telling? Bit of the old failed romance schtick? Celeb impersonations? Bit of the old ‘guy walks into a bar’ kind of shizzle?
CJ: Well my stuff is a bit more political, really...I do like to do a bit of the observational stuff, but I mean...I like to think I keep it a bit more high...
[Cut off by DJ 2]
DJ 2: C-Jo, my sources backstage tell me you do a KILLER Scarface impression...
CJ [bashful]: Well...I do, but it’s not really part of my se... [cut off again]
DJ 1: Go on then!
DJ 2: Yeah, come on! TONY MONTANA! YOU COCK-O-ROACHES!
CJ: I really...
DJ2: C-Jo, everyone in the studio is giving me the thumbs up, don’t disappoint all the Rogueheads out there bro....
CJ: Well...I’m not really in character but, um....
CJ [meek, with barely-there Cuban inflection that sounds more Vietnamese.]: What are we gonna do, mang?
[Silence.]
DJ 1: Right, well we’ve been talking with our man C-Jo, check him out at the Dartmouth sometime...
CJ [interrupting]: March tenth...
DJ 1: Yep, but right now we’re going to throw live to Scotty Mac on the Rogue FM tandem bike down on Scabs beach giving away free bucket hats and Rogue FM funnels...
[Synth stabs again “ROGUE FM ROVING BIKE – MORE RIDES THAN YA SISTER! BOO-YAH!”]
[Marnie turns off radio.]
Marnie (keeping a brave face): That went well!
CJ (downcast): Yeah...yeah, good bit of publicity.
Marnie: Do you want to watch some Monty Python?
CJ: No, no...it’s Tuesday. Your turn to choose. I’ll go boil the kettle.
[CJ gets up, touching her leg as he does, and leaves the room as Marnie looks on lovingly after him. Camera holds on her face as she smiles.]
[Screen goes to black. The words ‘One Week Later’ appear on the screen in white.]
[Cut to CJ outside the house at dusk. He addresses the camera.]
CJ: Tomorrow is Marnie’s birthday...two days away from the comp, not the best timing...bloody in-laws! Can’t even shag at the right time! Well Marnie, was adopted actually but...still loved by all.
[CJ walks over to a ladder propped against the side of the house. He’s carrying a rasher of bacon and a packet of eggs.]
CJ [whilst climbing ladder, cameraman beneath him]: We’ve had a few problems with the gas people, you know...my filing system is a bit flawed, um...Marnie accidentally shredded a few bills and her tax details, um...easy mistake to make, really...but I’m a bit of a naturalist anyway, and I say ‘Why pay for what the sun can do for free?’
[CJ throws slab of bacon on the corrugated iron roof. Camera is still at base of ladder, filming upwards. CJ steps back out of view.]
CJ: So, Australian summer...leave that overnight...by midday she’ll be sizzling. Breakfast in bed a-la Clint!
[Sound of CJs footsteps on the roof.]
CJ: Just whack a bit of cooking oil down, and...shit! Bloody eggs are running into the gutter!
[A flurry of footsteps, then a loud bang followed by a scream and a thud. Camera shakes as cameraman hurries to side of the house where CJ is lying prostrate with egg on his forehead.]
CJ [winded]: Egg’s....on my face.
[Wheezing cough. Camera moves away]
CJ: Oh...oh...that’s blood.
[Cut to next day, CJ with two black eyes and his right arm in a sling trying to eat breakfast, struggling to use cutlery. Marnie sits across the table from him. She pulls a rusty nail from her eggs and keeps eating.]
Marnie: How are you feeling?
CJ: Pretty bloody nervous. I’ll be right, though...I’ve been in the caper long enough now, I’m ready for anything!
[CJ drops his knife and struggles to retrieve it with his broken arm. He fumbles several times with his sling before accidentally knocking the plate onto the floor.]
Marnie: Let me get that, Clint...
CJ: Oh no, she’s right. I’ll go start the washing up.
[Clint crawls under table to retrieve plate. Disembodied voice from behind camera addresses Marnie.]
Voice: Is this what he’s usually like before the show?
Marnie: Oh, yeah. He gets so pent-up. He’s like a spring...you never know when he’s going to just bounce up and hit the roof.
[A loud thud as CJ hits the table from underneath.]
CJ: Marnie, can you run get a glass of milk please...
[Cut to Marius and Marnie sitting in the kitchen talking to the camera. CJ is in the background with a dinner plate wedged in the armpit of his injured side. He holds a scrubbing brush with his good hand and gives a couple of limp scrubs to a glass before dropping the plate.]
Marius: Tomorrow is really important for Clint. He’s put in the hard yards this year...I’ve got a good feeling about it.
Marnie: I really hope it goes well. He gets so down on himself sometimes, I mean...I shouldn’t really show you this, but I found it under his desk the other day...
[Marnie shows it to the camera. It’s an acrostic poem spelling ‘LOSER’ as ‘Laugh at Others not Sterile English Relief teacher.]
Marnie: And you know, I love his creativity, though technically it should really be LAONSERT...but he really takes it to heart when things don’t go well.
Marius: I tell him, don’t beat yourself up – that’s what I’m bloody here for! I’m serious, I choked him so hard one time he stopped breathing for two minutes. Bloody intense, eh! Nearly went deaf in one ear. But I do it out of love. (Nods his head towards Marnie.) We both love him.
[CJ walks back into the room drenched with a teatowel in his mouth, which he spits out .]
CJ: My ears are burning...
Marius: We were just telling them about your victory Macarena.
CJ: Oh! A bit of this...
[CJ goes to perform the dance, realises he is crippled, then hangs his head and walks back into the kitchen. Marius chuckles to himself while a loud ‘FUCK’ comes from the kitchen. Shot fades to black.]
[Open with black screen, then white text: ‘The day of the competition.’]
[Footage of CJ preparing, rehearsing etc. Camera fixes on the outside of the house as footage goes in fast motion, showing the sun setting as the afternoon turns to dusk. Camera returns to normal speed as CJ exits the front door with several envirobags full of props and Marnie behind him.]
CJ: Showtime.
[ Cut to CJ arriving at pub, mingling with other comedians. He can be seen miming the sequence of falling off the roof while trying to cook breakfast. Cut to CJ addressing the camera in front of a jukebox.]
CJ: So, twenty minutes til showtime…and ah, the nerves…yeah, the nerves are really starting to kick in. I think I should put a ‘reserved’ sign at the urinal! Could be a bit hard to perform from there, though…I guess that’s what you’d call toilet humour. Might use that, actually…
[CJ takes out a notebook and jots his last comment down. As he does, an Asian man in a suit enters abruptly and gives him a mock punch to his broken arm.]
CJ [strained]: Ohh…gidday, Jason.
Jason [speaks in rapid, clipped sentences.] Clint! My man! What’s going on?
[Jason doesn’t give him a moment to answer.]
Jason: So, competition huh? Gonna tamper with my brakes? Nah, nah, you’re one of the good ones. Big crowd in, yeah? Hope the pressure doesn’t get to anyone. Won’t get to me. Been doing this too long.
CJ [to camera]: Jason, ah…Jason’s actually just got back from a tour of Darwin…
[Jason butts in again.]
Jason: My one man show: Christmas Time on Christmas Island. All about an Asian Santa. Sold out all the nights except Thursday. But that was Keno night. Would’ve sold out otherwise.
CJ: Yeah, yeah…definitely.
[Cut to Jason on his own.]
Jason: Known Clint for a while, yeah. Decent guy. Not the best comedian, but he tries. Good on him.
[Cut, as though he’s been asked a question.]
Jason: My own comedy? It’s very edgy. Multicultural. About my experiences as an ethnic Australian, mostly. I think people can really relate to it. I think they like being able to laugh at themselves. I handle the topic subtly.
[Cut to Jason onstage in a conical Chinese hat in the crane position.]
Jason: HWAAAA! BROOOO LEEEE! (Bruce Lee.)
[Cut again.]
Jason: Yeah, I was actually a bit late tonight, had a bit of a prang. ASIAN! Yeah…totally wrote off the rikshaw.
[Cut back to Jason standing next to CJ.]
Jason: Yeah. Really confident. Not like Clint.
CJ: Ha…yeah, a bit antsy. Got some new material I’m a bit nervous about…
Jason: Keep telling you, man. Keep it locked. Me, same set list since 1997.
[Jason pulls out a magazine page from his back pocket. It has a photo of the original cast of Party of Five on it.]
Jason: Wrote all my punchlines in the crossword. Seven across – answer was meant to be ‘BLOSSOM.’ Wrong. I wrote ‘NOODLES.’ Result? Twelve years worth of laughs.
CJ: Well…horses for courses.
Jason: Need to listen to me man. It’ll be worth it. Hey, I’m gonna go do a few headshots with the mic. Catch you later.
[Jason leaves. CJ looks bewildered.]
[Cut to footage of MC welcoming people to the show. ]
MC: So, you guys ready to find yourselves a Funny C*nt?
[Applause.]
MC: Anyone here from Gosnells?
[A few yells.]
MC: How was prison, mate?
[Laughs.]
MC: So, you know when your girlfriend takes you shopping, and you get stuck in the…
[Cut to montage of the first few acts.]
Comedian: So me son bought a fuckin pink shirt the other day…I said to him, “Mate, I always suspected you were a poof, now I know for fuckin’ sure!”
[CJ trying to do a one – armed pushup on his knees.]
Comedian (female): Fuck Alice Springs, driest place in Australia’s right here! (points to her crotch.)
[CJ on a chair listening to a chunky discman with a shoulder strap, nodding his head in time til he notices the camera on him, then pretends he was nodding in contemplation.]
Jason (wearing a wetsuit and zinc cream): Who says Charlie don’t surf? Konichi-bunga, dudes!
[CJ tweezing eyebrows.]
Comedian: …wrong time of the month, or what!
[Footage of CJ pacing backstage.]
Comedian [Motif on his shirt is pixellated]: [Slew of expletives, so that most of his words are bleeped],” “shoes…hits the roof…my mate Rick come in…” [Starts making gesture with his hand at his crotch that gets pixellated.] “…TOO BLOODY RIGHT…” [starts making gestures with other hand near his mouth that duly get pixellated, leaving his whole torso as a formless blob.]
[Stock footage of an auto auction from the late eighties, then a test pattern and a closeup of the back of CJ’s head.]
Comedian 5 (Shaggy-haired sixteen year old rube in a black t-shirt with WERD in giant white letters, cokebottle glasses and purple jeans): “…so the Police Chief says to the cops, right…HAND IN YOUR BADGES, but the cops totally produce a pair of BAGDERS and they start burrowing MADSTYLES like it’s the English countryside, and it occurs to me that the whole situation could have been avoided had Chuck Norris been present to dispense high-kicks and uber-awesomeness…”
[Silence as shot captures CJ standing behind the curtain, staring intently at the ground. The disembodied voice of the MC can be heard in the background.]
CJ (narrating): I guess I’ve got to the point now where, um, where winning is important, but really for me…this is all about the creative expression, you know? A…a comedian is like an organism, right? And all the jokes are cells. Hard-cells, sometimes….heh…what was it they did? I ran so far away? Um…but yeah, a comedian is a living organism and the jokes are the cells, and as that comedian grows the jokecells multiply and keep growing and multiplying until he is overcome and the cells just can’t stop multiplying…and that is surely the healthiest experience anyone could ever have. I never want to stop growing.
[Voiceover fades out. MC becomes louder.]
MC (offscreen): “…and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never take LSD before going to a driving test.”
[Audience laughter.]
MC: Are we ready for our last act of the evening? Ladies and gentlemen I have been chatting to this bloke backstage, he is pumped, he is psyched, he is a great comedian and a very dear friend of mine…
[CJ looks at the camera and cocks his eyebrow disbelievingly.]
MC: The one, the only, the fantastic…MISTER….CLINT….JOHANSENNNNNNN!
[CJ takes one last awkward sip from his waterbottle, spilling some down his shirt as he fumbles to screw the lid back on with his one good arm, then staggers through the curtin onto the stage and out of view.]
[Camera shot switches to longshot from the back of the room. Mild applause dissipates and crowd is silent as CJ approaches the mic.]
[Cut to shot to of CJ from the waist-up, clearing his throat into the microphone.]
CJ: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Cirque du Soleil….
[Silence.]
CJ: …but seriously, I’m um, …I’m Clint….or as Ray Charles calls me, ‘handsome.’…
[Silence. CJ gives a meek grin, freezes, then cocks his head to read his next joke, written on the underside of his cast.]
[Gentle piano music begins to play as shot cuts to a soundless montage of Clint’s set, with him variously flailing, goosestepping and putting his index finger and thumb into the shape of an L on his forehead (hey now, he’s a rockstar). Marnie begins to speak in voiceover.]
Marnie: I…no, I don’t think…Clint, just use the frozen boysenberries, you don’t need to go to emergen…oh, we’re…OK…
Marnie: I don’t tell him this as often as I should, but I’ve never been anything but proud of Clint and his ambition…I’ve never doubted him once. I remember on our first date we went for a bike ride together and he reacted badly to some pollen and nearly blacked out…I think the shock of going into the lake woke him up, but he refused to let it get him down and he actually insisted on dinking me back all the way on his bike instead of getting a cab. And that is Clint to a tee, you know. Dripping wet, coughing, perforated spleen, whatever…he never gives up. And I won’t ever give up on him.
[Music fades out as CJ concludes his set.]
CJ: …so after all that, budgies shrieking and Vegemite in my you-know-what, you know what bloody Kyle Sandilands says to me? Dead set, he turns to me and he says…
[The bolt in the mic stand comes loose, causing it to sink to crotch level, making CJ’s punchline inaudible. CJ sports a dumbstruck hangdong smile and stands awkwardly onstage as the polka music used to play acts off begins. Shot fades to black.]
[Black screen for five seconds, then montage of results of the night. Female comedian is shown onstage with trophy and MC, posing for a photo with their arms around each other and their tongues sticking out between their index and middle fingers. Punters are shown filing out, picking their noses, sipping beers, etc. Pixellated bogan comedian leans over a rail, his pants falling down to reveal his arsecrack, which is then pixellated. He lurches, rears back his head and vomits a stream of pixels. Jason is shown storming to his car, the camera wobbling from trying to keep pace with him. The number plates on his riced-up Hyundai excel read ‘AZN SENSAZN.’]
Jason (turns aggressively to camera): Fucking hacks mate. No fucking taste. Fuck it. Fuck it, nah, I’ll be back. Count on that.
[Jason reaches into his pocket and pulls out a flyer for his new show. It is titled ‘Nip on the Bud’ and features him in a rasta hat surrounded by bags of Doritos.]
Jason: Ethnic stoner comedy for the new generation. Bank on it. Period.
[Jason storms to car, slams door and turns key in ignition, causing CD player to begin blaring Daryl Braithwaite’s ‘Horses.’ He reverses hurriedly, clips a wheelie bin and screeches out of the carpark.]
[Cut to CJ standing in the carpark, flanked by Marius and Marnie.]
CJ: Yeah, well…tonight wasn’t to be I guess. It was just…just one of those nights, I guess. But whatever doesn’t kill you, right…
Marius: And you got the vouchers.
CJ: Oh, yep. Three free pizzas, but…
[CJ looks at Marnie.]
CJ: They don’t have any free-trade ingredients. So they’re yours.
[CJ hands vouchers to Marius, who looks touched. Marnie rests her head against CJs arm as he looks at the camera.]
CJ: Let’s go home.
[Cut to CJ riding off down the street on his pushbike, dinking Marnie on the handlebars. Marius rides next to them in full cycling regalia and heart rate monitor. CJ tries to hand signal left with his injured arm, lurches, then corrects the bike. Shot fades again.]
[Blank screen, then the words ‘Six months later’ appear in white.]
[Cut to CJ and Marnie holding hands on couch.]
CJ: I think…was it the first time we did Kerri-Anne?
Marnie: Second. First time we did ‘Australia’s Got Tedium.’
CJ: Ah, yep…yep, that’s right.
[Cut to shot of Marnie walking through the house, talking over her shoulder to camera.]
Marnie: So Clint is semi-retired from the comedy game and has taken to being full-time house hubby…washing, cooking…
[Marnie points to a new-looking stove. The entire house appears refurnished.]
Marnie: …and being my fulltime manager.
[Marnie comes to a stop next to CJ, who is on the phone in the study. He turns to the camera and mimes a ‘yap, yap, yap’ whilst making pincer motions with him free hand.]
CJ: Yep, yep she is free to do the parmigiana cookoff…well, I’d prefer she kept her top on, but…
[CJ turns to Marnie, who looks unimpressed.]
CJ: …we’ll talk about that a bit later. Alright mate. Alright. WAAAAAZAAAAA. Ha ha, yep. Ok, take it easy Rick.
[CJ chuckles to himself, then turns to Marnie.]
CJ: Funny bloke, your brother.
[Cut back to CJ and Marnie on the couch.]
CJ: Well, about a month after you guys left, we got the second run of ‘PORPOISE IN PAIN’ back from the printers in Lombok, but, ah…but there seems to have been a bit of a communication breakdown somewhere and they made a bit of a gaffe…
[CJ reaches down besides him and picks up a copy of the book.]
CJ: …and what came back was this….
[CJ holds up cover of the book. It reads ‘PENIS IN PAIN: A STORY FOR CHILDREN.’]
Marnie: And it just took off after we got on Rove as a ‘What The?!’…
[Stock footage of assorted dumbarses wearing PENIS IN PAIN t-shirts at clubs, sporting events etc in different Australian locations, a screen capture of a Facebook fanpage called PENIS IN PAIN 4 THE WALKELEY!!! (187, 549 people like this) and a photo of CJ and Marnie in PENIS IN PAIN t-shirts on the red carpet at the Logies.]
CJ: To be honest, we can’t see what the big deal is. I mean, OK…
[CJ flicks to a random page in the book.]
CJ: Penis is sad when he gets stuck in six-pack holders…the ring makes Penis’ head throb and turn purple til Penis just wants to explode…
Marnie: I don’t know what they find so funny.
CJ: Who knows? We’re not complaining though.
Marnie: Not at all. And we certainly aren’t letting the fame get to our head. We’re just boring old Marnie and Clint, same as always.
[A large, woolly white shape can be seen falling from the roof through the glass doors in the background with a warbled ‘baaaaaaaa’.]
CJ (turns to Marnie): Dinner’s not quite done…
[Cut to CJ and Marnie sitting on a swingseat on their front veranda. Various footage of Clint rehearsing back at the rec centre/writing material is shown as he narrates.]
CJ: I guess, well…you ask what I’ve learnt over the course of everything…well, I suppose. It’s like with everything. You can agonize and slave away over something, let it dominate you and give yourself…give yourself wholeheartedly to it, but it may not be right for you, you know. I spent years doing comedy and years writing material, practicing and neglecting the other parts of my life when perhaps what was under my nose the whole time, and what I should have known from the start is that, perhaps…
[Cut to CJ talking in realtime, sitting next to Marnie.]
CJ: …perhaps the only thing you really need to be funny…
[CJ squeezes Marnie’s hand.]
CJ: …is a penis.
[Marnie smiles and nods, before realising what he has said. She rolls her eyes as CJ smiles wistfully.]
[Fade to black.]
