A Godawful Small Affair

Clint Johanssen: Alternative Comedian (complete)

2010-11-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

[Blank screen with voiceover.]

CJ: All my heroes…all the guys who really pushed the boundaries…at some stage, have had to overcome hardship. All of them.

[Shot of man sitting on a couch. He’s in his mid-thirties, with receding hair tied into a ponytail. He is wearing a “Good Bush, Bad Bush” T-Shirt (depicting a hairy mons pubis and former US President George Walker Bush, respectively) and has a single gold hoop earring in his left ear. He wears glasses and appears slightly uneasy about the interview. The man speaks again.]

CJ: I mean, for example, right...Richard Pryor: set himself on fire trying to smoke crack cocaine. Umm…Rick Shapiro: Worked as a male prostitute. A homosexual male prostitute, actually. And of course, Bill Hicks…pancreatic cancer. Dead.

[Man pauses for a moment.]

CJ: And…if I have to suffer any of those things to see my name up in lights…then so be it.

[Wistful piano music as camera cuts to a shot of CJ sitting on the edge of his bed.]

CJ: I guess I’ve always been drawn to humour and making people laugh…I think it’s just something you’re born with.

[CJ smiles softly, then chuckles to himself.]

CJ: I remember actually, in Primary School...I used to be a bit of a class clown, used to get up to a bit of mischief…I did this one thing where I’d impersonate the Principal, you know – he had this horrible lisp – and I’d say to the other children you know, stuff like “sssssthufferin’ sstttthuckatash!” and “stttthtop being sthiilly in sssthex ed!”

[CJ laughs with more conviction.]

CJ: I used to get a lot of “Clint, stop distracting the class!” and “Go outside, Clint!”...and the teachers liked it even less.

[CJ sits silently, still smiling and nods to himself.]

CJ: So I guess I’ve been stirring the pot, so to speak, for as long as I can remember.

[Cut to home video footage of Clint onstage. He’s wearing a ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt and cargo pants. He paces backward and forwards across the cramped stage.]

CJ: “And Labor’s solution to this is to ask us to vote for Mark Flippin’ Latham! The guy who makes the Khmer Rouge look like the effin’ Democrats!”

[Silence from crowd.]

CJ: “But you know what they say about the ALP, right? The Crean will always rise to the top!”

[More silence. Camera pans away to a disinterested member of the crowd reading the label of a beer bottle. Clint can be heard in the background exclaiming “so I was thinking the other day…imagine John Howard on Dancing With the Stars, wouldn’t that be..” (tape ends).]

[Back to CJ sitting on couch.]

CJ: There is definitely a political edge to the stuff I’m doing, yeah. I mean, I sometimes think, you know…Clint, you have a degree in Cultural & Media Studies

[Sudden cut to a photo of young CJ in a mortarboard. His gown is open and underneath he’s wearing a Hole t-shirt. He has one of his parents under each arm. They’re typical sunburnt suburbanites and have both got their eyes closed in the photo. A gigantic ECU banner is visible in the background.]

CJ: …you’re an educated guy. Why are you acting up in front of a bunch of strangers instead of being out there making a difference? But…to me, comedy is making a difference. You can make people think about things, sure. I mean…I could write a book, or a newspaper article…and I have written newspaper articles, actually…

[Another cut to a photo. It’s an opinion piece written in a local paper. There’s a small black and white photo of CJ baring his teeth and doing the ‘devil horns’ sign. Article reads “SUBURBAN SLAM WITH CLINT JOHANSSEN” with sub-title “ILUKA COUNCIL WHEELIE BIN EDICT UNJUST, TOTALITARIAN.”]

CJ: But all that would do is educate people. I want to make them laugh. And if they’re educated too, well…I’ve done my job.

[Cut to CJ sitting on an empty stage in a chair.]

CJ: I guess because of the kind of thing I’m trying to do with comedy, there are times when the audience doesn’t quite get my angle. Which I understand, you know…the first thing you learn is that the audience is never wrong…just sometimes maybe slightly uneducated, but it’s your job to reach out to them…I always try to lace my sets with some jokes for, ah…Joe Average, if you will. You know, the guy who gets home from pushing wheelbarrow or, um, welding… and has a beer, opens the paper…probably straight to the TV guide or…Hagar comics…then, you know…ahh…well I guess he goes to bed after that. Hopefully without having beaten his wife, or gambled away their food money on greyhounds. But I make sure there’s something for him in all my sets.

[Cut back to CJ’s performance tape.]

CJ: “So I, I um…I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, and you know, I asked why and she said “It’s because you’re a loser.” And that came as a real shock to me, because I don’t even support the Dockers, let alone bloody play for them!”

[Cut back to CJ sitting on chair.]

CJ: So yeah, it can definitely get a little trying, you know…but it’s certainly not going to deter me from doing what I love. I have an analogy, actually: the audience is like a computer. You need to fill it with information, you know…but if you try to cram too much onto the hard-drive…or the audience’s heads…the computer slows down and stops working. And sometimes that makes the computer a bit angry, and it will go and yell at me, or key my car…but really, it’s your fault for not having a better computer.

[Cut to CJ sitting in a café. He is reading a copy of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. He traces the text with his index finger and mimes the words as he reads. He pauses for a moment, puts the book down and produces a copy of the Oxford Modern Dictionary. Finding the word in question, he replaces the dictionary and resumes reading. Almost instantly, he puts the book down again and reaches for the dictionary.]

[Cut to CJ being filmed from across a table in the café.]

CJ: This is where I like to come for inspiration, just to, umm…people watch, I guess. I’ll sit here with a flat white, a novel…and just watch. I might think, you know “isn’t it funny how we’re in an economic crisis and yet…people are still buying things,” or…”why do men drink their coffees differently to women?” or…”oh, doesn’t that guy have a funny limp!” and just brainstorm for a while. I like to think of this as my office, so to speak. The dream factory.

[CJ chuckles to himself.]

CJ: The staff here are great, too. Really great senses of humour. There’s a little board outside where they like to write little poems or messages, just to give people a chuckle.

[Cut to a shot of a blackboard outside the café. It has ‘A Spoonfull (sic) of Sugar May Help the Medacine (sic) Go Down, But Our Super Sweet Lattes Will Bring You Up!”]

CJ: I help them out sometimes, actually…I said to Breeanne, the manager – she’s not here today – but I said, how about this one: “Henry the 8^th: tyrant or twitcher? Go decaffeinated, not decapitated!” Haven’t seen it up yet…maybe a bit too highbrow, but all the girls had a real chuckle at that one.

CJ: But, ah…this is a really special place for me. I met Marnie, here actually. I was carrying a pot of tea over to my table and there was this, just…absolutely gorgeous woman sitting cross-legged on a chair, and I was…I was gobsmacked. I was so busy looking at her, actually, that I didn’t see this raised floorboard and…

[Cut back to CJ’s couch. A timid woman in her thirties is sitting down, dressed in a burgundy crushed velvet dress over green leggings. She has a single blonde plait in her brown hair and pulls distractedly at it as she speaks.]

Woman: …and it actually burned me quite badly. I still have this red mark…

[Woman goes to roll up dress over her stomach and shot cuts abruptly to CJ on the couch next to the woman.]

Marnie: I think…what attracted me to him most was definitely his energy. There’s a real vibrancy in Clint, a real passion that I haven’t found in any other men. He really loves to let you know how he’s feeling, to tell you what he thinks is wrong or unjust in the world and how he wants to go about fixing it. The whole car ride back from the hospital he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I think that’s when I fell for him.

[Camera shows close-up shot of CJ getting all misty-eyed.]

CJ: And with, Marnie…we just clicked. We love all the same things. Literature; film; nature; coffee, of course! I can have dairy, and she can’t, but that’s the only real thing. She actually gets violently ill. But you know, “soy be it!”

[CJ and Marnie share a laugh.]

Marnie: Clint’s really supportive of me and my career choices, too. I…I used to run my own Reiki clinic, and it was quite successful…but my passion has always been to write and illustrate children’s books that teach environmental awareness.

[Cut to a picture of a children’s book with a crayon drawing of a manatee with a plastic bag over its head. It reads: “PORPOISE IN PAIN” by Marnie Fern Morris.]

Marnie: So I decided to pursue that. And so Clint’s been great with supporting both of us. We just need to be a bit thrifty sometimes.

CJ: That’s right. I mean, Marnie always says “Clint, you have enough energy to power the whole shire!”

Marnie: It would be nice to be able to use the dishwasher sometimes, though…

CJ: I…yeah, but we’ve made choices, and we’re happy. Aren’t we?

Marnie: Oh, yes, absolutely. I just…no, it’s OK.

[Camera lingers on the couple. Marnie bows her head and looks like she’s crying. She squeezes CJ’s thigh. CJ looks limply at the camera without saying anything.]

CJ: Right….I’ll go check on dinner.

[Cut to CJ in the backyard with a shovel. He’s standing next to a shallow hole full of embers and is holding the shovel towards the camera. On it is a small alfoil parcel.]

CJ: Damper. Full of carbohydrates, easy to make…patriotic. Doesn’t require electricity…or running water.

[Cut to CJ in his study. He’s flicking through old posters and memorabilia.]

CJ: Every year I put on a self-funded one man show dealing with the topical issues at the time. Ah, for example…1999, I did GST=LOL, which I believe was one of the first times an internet acronym was ever used in live comedy. Umm…oh, 2001 there was “Clint Johanssen: Overboard!”

[Clint holds up photo of himself dressed in Afghan-styled robes and turban with a life preserver around his waist. The tag line is “100% Tampa-proof!’]

CJ: 1997 was a bit of a bust…

[Cut to a poster of CJ with a cucumber in his mouth, wearing a dress and mascara (which is streaked with tears.) Poster reads “Clint Johanssen Presents: FUCKING SLUT.”]

CJ: …where I was going through quite a rough divorce. I’ve been told my material got a little…um…”darker,” I suppose, around that time.

[Cut to another performance tape. The footage is grainy and 8/12/1997 is visible in the bottom right corner. CJ is stumbling as if drunk. He’s wearing a denim vest over a black turtleneck and sports round-framed John Lennon glasses.]

CJ: “So I say Princess Di? More like Princess DEAD!”

[Loud booing from the audience. CJ staggers around onstage giving the audience the finger before being struck in the head by a plastic bottle. He produces a pair of gardening shears from offscreen and begins to start hacking off clumps of his hair whilst screaming “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS IT?” before the tape suddenly ends.]

CJ: But, you know…I think that’s the thing about having an artistic temperament like mine, you have to take the troughs with the peaks. And I got to keep the Super Nintendo.

[Cut to shot of CJ at a desk, writing material. Each joke is designated with a bullet point that is red, green or blue.]

CJ (voiceover): When I’m writing material, I try to take into account the rhythm and pacing of my set. Most people don’t realize but there’s, um…a real…well, almost an equilibrium to a comedian’s set that has to be maintained. Sort of…an ebb and flow, if you will. If you start with all your strongest material, you run out of steam. It’d be like Shakespeare writing Romeo and Juliet, you know, first and then writing…um, y’know…

[CJ is stumped, obviously unaware of any other Shakespeare’s plays.]

CJ: …Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet.

[CJ turns from his work and speaks to the camera in realtime,]

CJ: What I’m doing here is labelling each joke with a colour; blue for hilarious; green for very hilarious, and red for killer hilarious, so I have a better idea of how to pace my set.

[Camera zooms in on the page. All of the twelve or so jokes on the page are marked red.]

CJ: So, ah, as you can see, I’m in the red in more ways than one!

[CJ’s desk lamp suddenly cuts out.]

CJ [from the dark]: Electricity company, nothing serious…

[Cut to CJ back on the stage in a chair.]

CJ: The set I’m writing at the moment is quite important, actually. Every year, the Dartmouth Arms runs a comp called ‘Search for a Funny C*nt.’ [‘cunt’ is bleeped.]...the winner gets to do a two-minute set on ‘Sunrise,’ so it’s quite an opportunity for me. Because it is such a big deal, it’s good to have friends to help with the plotting and rehearsal side of things.

[Cut to a man in a park wearing a foam visor, cargo shorts, Oakley hybrid shoes and a blue tanktop with white piping. He hits a tennis ball with a hockey stick, which is then chased after by a dog. He laughs, throws his head back and adjusts his visor strap. His left bicep tenses when he notices the camera is on him.]

[Cut to shot of sports man from torso up, sitting on a bench in a changeroom. He appears short of breath and flustered, as though he has just stopped exercising. CJ is on the bench next to him, and speaks first.]

CJ: I first met Marius back when I was doing some work at Mt Lawley High – I’m a relief English teacher, and he was doing some PE classes there...God, it must have been...how long ago?

Marius [heavy South African accent]: Well I come over from Jo’burg in ’92, after all the bullshit...maybe fifteen years?

CJ: Anyway, I was having some problems with a few of the more, uh...disruptive class members, you know, nothing serious...I’m fairly sure it was just a Mars Bar or something...but anyway, Marius found out about it and took the kid aside and had a few ‘stern words’, so to speak.

[Marius laughs heartily. He is affable despite his vanity.]

Marius: I find the kid and I say “Listen matey, in my country you have a good day if you don’t wake up raped and stabbed to death. You think putting crap on Mr Johanssen’s pigeonhole is funny? I’ve seen a man’s skull caved in with his own shinbone.” Then I pull out my wallet and show him a picture.

CJ [laughing]: How long did they suspend you for?

Marius: Nine weeks!

[Both men laugh.]

Marius: Bloody good fun, eh. So Clint and I have been mates ever since. In between doing the windsurfing school and the youth mentoring stuff, I like to help him out with the comedy and all that....make sure he doesn’t suck too much, eh!

CJ [trying to be witty, but obviously without a comeback.]: Oh, I could never suck too much!

[A terse female voice is heard offscreen.]

WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?!

[Camera pans over to an irate woman in a towel. The ‘female’ changeroom icon is visible behind her. Camera lingers, then starts to wobble as though being carried by someone running.]

[Cut to Marius driving whilst clint sits in passenger seat with dog on his lap. Shitty present-era Pearl Jam plays as they talk.]

CJ [addressing camera whilst still looking forward.]: We’re just on our way out to the community centre for a practice run. I like to use Marius as a sounding board for my gags...he’s given me lots of good feedback.

Marius [laughing]: ‘Retire’ is the bloody feedback I keep giving you. Never listen though!

CJ: Oh ho! Maybe you could, bloody...windsurf me some jokes, then eh? Anyway, how’s this one...”So I see Kevin Rudd wants to spy on our internet now, eh? Kevin 0-7? More like Kevin 007!”

Marius [laughing]: Yeah, good one. Keeper, yeah. What else?

CJ: OK, here we go... “America’s a funny place isn’t it. When I heard that sort of black, sort of white guy had been elected I thought... “Geez, how is Michael Jackson gonna find room to moonwalk round the oval office?”

[Silence.]

CJ: That one was marked blue, anyway...

[The car stops at a red light. Someone knocks on the driver’s window and Marius begins to yell.]

Marius: FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! I’LL TAKE OUT YOUR EYES!

[Marius starts fumbling for the hockey stick on the back seat whilst winding down the window with his other hand. A terrified window washer looks on as Marius starts swinging the stick.]

Marius: YOU NEVER TAKE MY CAR, BRO! I’LL EAT YOUR SHIT!

[The washer runs across traffic back into a park as Marius gradually calms down.]

Marius: Sorry, eh. It’s a Jo’Burg thing...

[Camera pans across to CJ’s terrified face peering from behind the dog.]

CJ: No worries...

[Cut to Marius facing the camera on a plastic chair in community centre. Clint is onstage practicing in the background. Though muted, he can be heard botching punchlines and admonishing himself.]

Marius: I think the competition is really important for Clint, you know. He’s battled bloody hard with the comedy thing, trying to make it work, and I think he deserves some success. He’s a good bloke, Clint.

[Silence in the background as Clint is obviously listening.]

Marius (catching on that Clint is eavesdropping): Shame he’s got such a weird-shaped...

[Clint begins telling jokes again.]

[Cut to clint performing. Marius is facing the stage, but turns his head to speak to the camera.]

Marius: What I do before his shows is toughen him up by giving him a few heckles and that...keep him prepared in case it happens on the night.

CJ: “And I’m thinking, who wrote this bloody curriculum – George Bush?!”

Marius: YOU’RE SHIT MATE!

CJ (pauses, then pantomimes drinking.): Bloody, someone’s having a good time, eh? Where you from mate?

Marius: SUCK MY COCK!

CJ (nervous): Um, nah mate...that’s ah, that’s your own...private activity...

Marius: BOOO! BOOOO!

CJ: What, um...what are you, a ghost or something? “Booooooo!” Freakin’ Casper over here...

Marius: I HEAR YOU’RE INFERTILE!

[Awkward, lingering silence.]

CJ: Right, yep. Good one...

[More silence.]

CJ: So anyway, who here is on the Facebook...

[Cut back to CJ at home. He and Marnie are sitting by the stereo holding hands. Marnie beams at the camera.]

Marnie: My sister managed to get Clint a spot on the radio to promote himself...we’ve been so excited all day.

CJ: Oh yeah, you know...I always got told I had a voice for radio. I mean...head for radio. That’s the joke, isn’t it?

Marnie: Shhh! Here it is!

[Introduction to radio show begins with dynamic synth pads followed by a deliberately nerdy voice saying “Gahhh, the square root of x multiplied by y is the velocity of the..” which is then cut off by a ladsy, 92.9 kind of voice exclaiming “Who cares if you know maths! Just have another BEER! 98.4, Rogue FM – no gimps, just party all summer!”]

DJ: Hey guys, welcome back to the Wet Waterbed with Simmo, Timmo and Shitface and today we’re joined by our very own local funnyman, Mr. Clint Johanssen. Sup, Clint?

CJ: G’day gang...thanks for having me.

DJ 2 [sounds like the irritating, sub-lad loudmouth from Year 9 History]: So hay Clint, do you mind if we call you C-Jo?

DJ 1: He’s still Clint from the block!

[DJs laugh amongst themselves.]

CJ: Haha, just as long as you don’t call me...Flo-Jo.

[Polite laughs.]

DJ 1: So Clint, you’re entering the ‘Search For a Funny bleep’ at the Dartmouth, right? Can you tell all the peeps out there what the deal-io is?

[Other DJ interrupts again.]

DJ 2: Yeah, will you be bustin’ some Dave Chappelle on us or, what?! I’M RICK JAMES!

CJ [politely]: Um...haha...not quite. Basically I’m doing a five-minute set at the Dartmouth as part of the comp, and the winner gets two minutes on Sunrise...so...quite a big incentive.

DJ 2: Well tell Kochy for me he’s a bloody champ!

DJ 1: You would say that!

[Two DJs laugh raucously.]

DJ 1: So Clint, what kind of jokes will you be telling? Bit of the old failed romance schtick? Celeb impersonations? Bit of the old ‘guy walks into a bar’ kind of shizzle?

CJ: Well my stuff is a bit more political, really...I do like to do a bit of the observational stuff, but I mean...I like to think I keep it a bit more high...

[Cut off by DJ 2]

DJ 2: C-Jo, my sources backstage tell me you do a KILLER Scarface impression...

CJ [bashful]: Well...I do, but it’s not really part of my se... [cut off again]

DJ 1: Go on then!

DJ 2: Yeah, come on! TONY MONTANA! YOU COCK-O-ROACHES!

CJ: I really...

DJ2: C-Jo, everyone in the studio is giving me the thumbs up, don’t disappoint all the Rogueheads out there bro....

CJ: Well...I’m not really in character but, um....

CJ [meek, with barely-there Cuban inflection that sounds more Vietnamese.]: What are we gonna do, mang?

[Silence.]

DJ 1: Right, well we’ve been talking with our man C-Jo, check him out at the Dartmouth sometime...

CJ [interrupting]: March tenth...

DJ 1: Yep, but right now we’re going to throw live to Scotty Mac on the Rogue FM tandem bike down on Scabs beach giving away free bucket hats and Rogue FM funnels...

[Synth stabs again “ROGUE FM ROVING BIKE – MORE RIDES THAN YA SISTER! BOO-YAH!”]

[Marnie turns off radio.]

Marnie (keeping a brave face): That went well!

CJ (downcast): Yeah...yeah, good bit of publicity.

Marnie: Do you want to watch some Monty Python?

CJ: No, no...it’s Tuesday. Your turn to choose. I’ll go boil the kettle.

[CJ gets up, touching her leg as he does, and leaves the room as Marnie looks on lovingly after him. Camera holds on her face as she smiles.]

[Screen goes to black. The words ‘One Week Later’ appear on the screen in white.]

[Cut to CJ outside the house at dusk. He addresses the camera.]

CJ: Tomorrow is Marnie’s birthday...two days away from the comp, not the best timing...bloody in-laws! Can’t even shag at the right time! Well Marnie, was adopted actually but...still loved by all.

[CJ walks over to a ladder propped against the side of the house. He’s carrying a rasher of bacon and a packet of eggs.]

CJ [whilst climbing ladder, cameraman beneath him]: We’ve had a few problems with the gas people, you know...my filing system is a bit flawed, um...Marnie accidentally shredded a few bills and her tax details, um...easy mistake to make, really...but I’m a bit of a naturalist anyway, and I say ‘Why pay for what the sun can do for free?’

[CJ throws slab of bacon on the corrugated iron roof. Camera is still at base of ladder, filming upwards. CJ steps back out of view.]

CJ: So, Australian summer...leave that overnight...by midday she’ll be sizzling. Breakfast in bed a-la Clint!

[Sound of CJs footsteps on the roof.]

CJ: Just whack a bit of cooking oil down, and...shit! Bloody eggs are running into the gutter!

[A flurry of footsteps, then a loud bang followed by a scream and a thud. Camera shakes as cameraman hurries to side of the house where CJ is lying prostrate with egg on his forehead.]

CJ [winded]: Egg’s....on my face.

[Wheezing cough. Camera moves away]

CJ: Oh...oh...that’s blood.

[Cut to next day, CJ with two black eyes and his right arm in a sling trying to eat breakfast, struggling to use cutlery. Marnie sits across the table from him. She pulls a rusty nail from her eggs and keeps eating.]

Marnie: How are you feeling?

CJ: Pretty bloody nervous. I’ll be right, though...I’ve been in the caper long enough now, I’m ready for anything!

[CJ drops his knife and struggles to retrieve it with his broken arm. He fumbles several times with his sling before accidentally knocking the plate onto the floor.]

Marnie: Let me get that, Clint...

CJ: Oh no, she’s right. I’ll go start the washing up.

[Clint crawls under table to retrieve plate. Disembodied voice from behind camera addresses Marnie.]

Voice: Is this what he’s usually like before the show?

Marnie: Oh, yeah. He gets so pent-up. He’s like a spring...you never know when he’s going to just bounce up and hit the roof.

[A loud thud as CJ hits the table from underneath.]

CJ: Marnie, can you run get a glass of milk please...

[Cut to Marius and Marnie sitting in the kitchen talking to the camera. CJ is in the background with a dinner plate wedged in the armpit of his injured side. He holds a scrubbing brush with his good hand and gives a couple of limp scrubs to a glass before dropping the plate.]

Marius: Tomorrow is really important for Clint. He’s put in the hard yards this year...I’ve got a good feeling about it.

Marnie: I really hope it goes well. He gets so down on himself sometimes, I mean...I shouldn’t really show you this, but I found it under his desk the other day...

[Marnie shows it to the camera. It’s an acrostic poem spelling ‘LOSER’ as ‘Laugh at Others not Sterile English Relief teacher.]

Marnie: And you know, I love his creativity, though technically it should really be LAONSERT...but he really takes it to heart when things don’t go well.

Marius: I tell him, don’t beat yourself up – that’s what I’m bloody here for! I’m serious, I choked him so hard one time he stopped breathing for two minutes. Bloody intense, eh! Nearly went deaf in one ear. But I do it out of love. (Nods his head towards Marnie.) We both love him.

[CJ walks back into the room drenched with a teatowel in his mouth, which he spits out .]

CJ: My ears are burning...

Marius: We were just telling them about your victory Macarena.

CJ: Oh! A bit of this...

[CJ goes to perform the dance, realises he is crippled, then hangs his head and walks back into the kitchen. Marius chuckles to himself while a loud ‘FUCK’ comes from the kitchen. Shot fades to black.]

[Open with black screen, then white text: ‘The day of the competition.’]

[Footage of CJ preparing, rehearsing etc. Camera fixes on the outside of the house as footage goes in fast motion, showing the sun setting as the afternoon turns to dusk. Camera returns to normal speed as CJ exits the front door with several envirobags full of props and Marnie behind him.]

CJ: Showtime.

[ Cut to CJ arriving at pub, mingling with other comedians. He can be seen miming the sequence of falling off the roof while trying to cook breakfast. Cut to CJ addressing the camera in front of a jukebox.]

CJ: So, twenty minutes til showtime…and ah, the nerves…yeah, the nerves are really starting to kick in. I think I should put a ‘reserved’ sign at the urinal! Could be a bit hard to perform from there, though…I guess that’s what you’d call toilet humour. Might use that, actually…

[CJ takes out a notebook and jots his last comment down. As he does, an Asian man in a suit enters abruptly and gives him a mock punch to his broken arm.]

CJ [strained]: Ohh…gidday, Jason.

Jason [speaks in rapid, clipped sentences.] Clint! My man! What’s going on?

[Jason doesn’t give him a moment to answer.]

Jason: So, competition huh? Gonna tamper with my brakes? Nah, nah, you’re one of the good ones. Big crowd in, yeah? Hope the pressure doesn’t get to anyone. Won’t get to me. Been doing this too long.

CJ [to camera]: Jason, ah…Jason’s actually just got back from a tour of Darwin…

[Jason butts in again.]

Jason: My one man show: Christmas Time on Christmas Island. All about an Asian Santa. Sold out all the nights except Thursday. But that was Keno night. Would’ve sold out otherwise.

CJ: Yeah, yeah…definitely.

[Cut to Jason on his own.]

Jason: Known Clint for a while, yeah. Decent guy. Not the best comedian, but he tries. Good on him.

[Cut, as though he’s been asked a question.]

Jason: My own comedy? It’s very edgy. Multicultural. About my experiences as an ethnic Australian, mostly. I think people can really relate to it. I think they like being able to laugh at themselves. I handle the topic subtly.

[Cut to Jason onstage in a conical Chinese hat in the crane position.]

Jason: HWAAAA! BROOOO LEEEE! (Bruce Lee.)

[Cut again.]

Jason: Yeah, I was actually a bit late tonight, had a bit of a prang. ASIAN! Yeah…totally wrote off the rikshaw.

[Cut back to Jason standing next to CJ.]

Jason: Yeah. Really confident. Not like Clint.

CJ: Ha…yeah, a bit antsy. Got some new material I’m a bit nervous about…

Jason: Keep telling you, man. Keep it locked. Me, same set list since 1997.

[Jason pulls out a magazine page from his back pocket. It has a photo of the original cast of Party of Five on it.]

Jason: Wrote all my punchlines in the crossword. Seven across – answer was meant to be ‘BLOSSOM.’ Wrong. I wrote ‘NOODLES.’ Result? Twelve years worth of laughs.

CJ: Well…horses for courses.

Jason: Need to listen to me man. It’ll be worth it. Hey, I’m gonna go do a few headshots with the mic. Catch you later.

[Jason leaves. CJ looks bewildered.]

[Cut to footage of MC welcoming people to the show. ]

MC: So, you guys ready to find yourselves a Funny C*nt?

[Applause.]

MC: Anyone here from Gosnells?

[A few yells.]

MC: How was prison, mate?

[Laughs.]

MC: So, you know when your girlfriend takes you shopping, and you get stuck in the…

[Cut to montage of the first few acts.]

Comedian: So me son bought a fuckin pink shirt the other day…I said to him, “Mate, I always suspected you were a poof, now I know for fuckin’ sure!”

[CJ trying to do a one – armed pushup on his knees.]

Comedian (female): Fuck Alice Springs, driest place in Australia’s right here! (points to her crotch.)

[CJ on a chair listening to a chunky discman with a shoulder strap, nodding his head in time til he notices the camera on him, then pretends he was nodding in contemplation.]

Jason (wearing a wetsuit and zinc cream): Who says Charlie don’t surf? Konichi-bunga, dudes!

[CJ tweezing eyebrows.]

Comedian: …wrong time of the month, or what!

[Footage of CJ pacing backstage.]

Comedian [Motif on his shirt is pixellated]: [Slew of expletives, so that most of his words are bleeped],” “shoes…hits the roof…my mate Rick come in…” [Starts making gesture with his hand at his crotch that gets pixellated.] “…TOO BLOODY RIGHT…” [starts making gestures with other hand near his mouth that duly get pixellated, leaving his whole torso as a formless blob.]

[Stock footage of an auto auction from the late eighties, then a test pattern and a closeup of the back of CJ’s head.]

Comedian 5 (Shaggy-haired sixteen year old rube in a black t-shirt with WERD in giant white letters, cokebottle glasses and purple jeans): “…so the Police Chief says to the cops, right…HAND IN YOUR BADGES, but the cops totally produce a pair of BAGDERS and they start burrowing MADSTYLES like it’s the English countryside, and it occurs to me that the whole situation could have been avoided had Chuck Norris been present to dispense high-kicks and uber-awesomeness…”

[Silence as shot captures CJ standing behind the curtain, staring intently at the ground. The disembodied voice of the MC can be heard in the background.]

CJ (narrating): I guess I’ve got to the point now where, um, where winning is important, but really for me…this is all about the creative expression, you know? A…a comedian is like an organism, right? And all the jokes are cells. Hard-cells, sometimes….heh…what was it they did? I ran so far away? Um…but yeah, a comedian is a living organism and the jokes are the cells, and as that comedian grows the jokecells multiply and keep growing and multiplying until he is overcome and the cells just can’t stop multiplying…and that is surely the healthiest experience anyone could ever have. I never want to stop growing.

[Voiceover fades out. MC becomes louder.]

MC (offscreen): “…and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never take LSD before going to a driving test.”

[Audience laughter.]

MC: Are we ready for our last act of the evening? Ladies and gentlemen I have been chatting to this bloke backstage, he is pumped, he is psyched, he is a great comedian and a very dear friend of mine…

[CJ looks at the camera and cocks his eyebrow disbelievingly.]

MC: The one, the only, the fantastic…MISTER….CLINT….JOHANSENNNNNNN!

[CJ takes one last awkward sip from his waterbottle, spilling some down his shirt as he fumbles to screw the lid back on with his one good arm, then staggers through the curtin onto the stage and out of view.]

[Camera shot switches to longshot from the back of the room. Mild applause dissipates and crowd is silent as CJ approaches the mic.]

[Cut to shot to of CJ from the waist-up, clearing his throat into the microphone.]

CJ: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Cirque du Soleil….

[Silence.]

CJ: …but seriously, I’m um, …I’m Clint….or as Ray Charles calls me, ‘handsome.’…

[Silence. CJ gives a meek grin, freezes, then cocks his head to read his next joke, written on the underside of his cast.]

[Gentle piano music begins to play as shot cuts to a soundless montage of Clint’s set, with him variously flailing, goosestepping and putting his index finger and thumb into the shape of an L on his forehead (hey now, he’s a rockstar). Marnie begins to speak in voiceover.]

Marnie: I…no, I don’t think…Clint, just use the frozen boysenberries, you don’t need to go to emergen…oh, we’re…OK…

Marnie: I don’t tell him this as often as I should, but I’ve never been anything but proud of Clint and his ambition…I’ve never doubted him once. I remember on our first date we went for a bike ride together and he reacted badly to some pollen and nearly blacked out…I think the shock of going into the lake woke him up, but he refused to let it get him down and he actually insisted on dinking me back all the way on his bike instead of getting a cab. And that is Clint to a tee, you know. Dripping wet, coughing, perforated spleen, whatever…he never gives up. And I won’t ever give up on him.

[Music fades out as CJ concludes his set.]

CJ: …so after all that, budgies shrieking and Vegemite in my you-know-what, you know what bloody Kyle Sandilands says to me? Dead set, he turns to me and he says…

[The bolt in the mic stand comes loose, causing it to sink to crotch level, making CJ’s punchline inaudible. CJ sports a dumbstruck hangdong smile and stands awkwardly onstage as the polka music used to play acts off begins. Shot fades to black.]

[Black screen for five seconds, then montage of results of the night. Female comedian is shown onstage with trophy and MC, posing for a photo with their arms around each other and their tongues sticking out between their index and middle fingers. Punters are shown filing out, picking their noses, sipping beers, etc. Pixellated bogan comedian leans over a rail, his pants falling down to reveal his arsecrack, which is then pixellated. He lurches, rears back his head and vomits a stream of pixels. Jason is shown storming to his car, the camera wobbling from trying to keep pace with him. The number plates on his riced-up Hyundai excel read ‘AZN SENSAZN.’]

Jason (turns aggressively to camera): Fucking hacks mate. No fucking taste. Fuck it. Fuck it, nah, I’ll be back. Count on that.

[Jason reaches into his pocket and pulls out a flyer for his new show. It is titled ‘Nip on the Bud’ and features him in a rasta hat surrounded by bags of Doritos.]

Jason: Ethnic stoner comedy for the new generation. Bank on it. Period.

[Jason storms to car, slams door and turns key in ignition, causing CD player to begin blaring Daryl Braithwaite’s ‘Horses.’ He reverses hurriedly, clips a wheelie bin and screeches out of the carpark.]

[Cut to CJ standing in the carpark, flanked by Marius and Marnie.]

CJ: Yeah, well…tonight wasn’t to be I guess. It was just…just one of those nights, I guess. But whatever doesn’t kill you, right…

Marius: And you got the vouchers.

CJ: Oh, yep. Three free pizzas, but…

[CJ looks at Marnie.]

CJ: They don’t have any free-trade ingredients. So they’re yours.

[CJ hands vouchers to Marius, who looks touched. Marnie rests her head against CJs arm as he looks at the camera.]

CJ: Let’s go home.

[Cut to CJ riding off down the street on his pushbike, dinking Marnie on the handlebars. Marius rides next to them in full cycling regalia and heart rate monitor. CJ tries to hand signal left with his injured arm, lurches, then corrects the bike. Shot fades again.]

[Blank screen, then the words ‘Six months later’ appear in white.]

[Cut to CJ and Marnie holding hands on couch.]

CJ: I think…was it the first time we did Kerri-Anne?

Marnie: Second. First time we did ‘Australia’s Got Tedium.’

CJ: Ah, yep…yep, that’s right.

[Cut to shot of Marnie walking through the house, talking over her shoulder to camera.]

Marnie: So Clint is semi-retired from the comedy game and has taken to being full-time house hubby…washing, cooking…

[Marnie points to a new-looking stove. The entire house appears refurnished.]

Marnie: …and being my fulltime manager.

[Marnie comes to a stop next to CJ, who is on the phone in the study. He turns to the camera and mimes a ‘yap, yap, yap’ whilst making pincer motions with him free hand.]

CJ: Yep, yep she is free to do the parmigiana cookoff…well, I’d prefer she kept her top on, but…

[CJ turns to Marnie, who looks unimpressed.]

CJ: …we’ll talk about that a bit later. Alright mate. Alright. WAAAAAZAAAAA. Ha ha, yep. Ok, take it easy Rick.

[CJ chuckles to himself, then turns to Marnie.]

CJ: Funny bloke, your brother.

[Cut back to CJ and Marnie on the couch.]

CJ: Well, about a month after you guys left, we got the second run of ‘PORPOISE IN PAIN’ back from the printers in Lombok, but, ah…but there seems to have been a bit of a communication breakdown somewhere and they made a bit of a gaffe…

[CJ reaches down besides him and picks up a copy of the book.]

CJ: …and what came back was this….

[CJ holds up cover of the book. It reads ‘PENIS IN PAIN: A STORY FOR CHILDREN.’]

Marnie: And it just took off after we got on Rove as a ‘What The?!’…

[Stock footage of assorted dumbarses wearing PENIS IN PAIN t-shirts at clubs, sporting events etc in different Australian locations, a screen capture of a Facebook fanpage called PENIS IN PAIN 4 THE WALKELEY!!! (187, 549 people like this) and a photo of CJ and Marnie in PENIS IN PAIN t-shirts on the red carpet at the Logies.]

CJ: To be honest, we can’t see what the big deal is. I mean, OK…

[CJ flicks to a random page in the book.]

CJ: Penis is sad when he gets stuck in six-pack holders…the ring makes Penis’ head throb and turn purple til Penis just wants to explode…

Marnie: I don’t know what they find so funny.

CJ: Who knows? We’re not complaining though.

Marnie: Not at all. And we certainly aren’t letting the fame get to our head. We’re just boring old Marnie and Clint, same as always.

[A large, woolly white shape can be seen falling from the roof through the glass doors in the background with a warbled ‘baaaaaaaa’.]

CJ (turns to Marnie): Dinner’s not quite done…

[Cut to CJ and Marnie sitting on a swingseat on their front veranda. Various footage of Clint rehearsing back at the rec centre/writing material is shown as he narrates.]

CJ: I guess, well…you ask what I’ve learnt over the course of everything…well, I suppose. It’s like with everything. You can agonize and slave away over something, let it dominate you and give yourself…give yourself wholeheartedly to it, but it may not be right for you, you know. I spent years doing comedy and years writing material, practicing and neglecting the other parts of my life when perhaps what was under my nose the whole time, and what I should have known from the start is that, perhaps…

[Cut to CJ talking in realtime, sitting next to Marnie.]

CJ: …perhaps the only thing you really need to be funny…

[CJ squeezes Marnie’s hand.]

CJ: …is a penis.

[Marnie smiles and nods, before realising what he has said. She rolls her eyes as CJ smiles wistfully.]

[Fade to black.]

Clint Johanssen: Alternative Comedian

2009-09-29T02:10:00.001-07:00

"This aint overrrr." More to come.

Clint Johanssen: Alternative Comedian

[Blank screen with voiceover.]

CJ: All my heroes…all the guys who really pushed the boundaries…at some stage, have had to overcome hardship. All of them.

[Shot of man sitting on a couch. He’s in his mid-thirties, with receding hair tied into a ponytail. He is wearing a “Good Bush, Bad Bush” T-Shirt (depicting a hairy mons pubis and former US President George Walker Bush, respectively) and has a single gold hoop earring in his left ear. He wears glasses and appears slightly uneasy about the interview. The man speaks again.]

CJ: I mean, for example, right...Richard Pryor: set himself on fire trying to smoke crack cocaine. Umm…Rick Shapiro: Worked as a male prostitute. A homosexual male prostitute, actually. And of course, Bill Hicks…pancreatic cancer. Dead.

[Man pauses for a moment.]

CJ: And…if I have to suffer any of those things to see my name up in lights…then so be it.

[Wistful piano music as camera cuts to a shot of CJ sitting on the edge of his bed.]

CJ: I guess I’ve always been drawn to humour and making people laugh…I think it’s just something you’re born with.

[CJ smiles softly, then chuckles to himself.]

CJ: I remember actually, in Primary School...I used to be a bit of a class clown, used to get up to a bit of mischief…I did this one thing where I’d impersonate the Principal, you know – he had this horrible lisp – and I’d say to the other children you know, stuff like “sssssthufferin’ sstttthuckatash!” and “stttthtop being sthiilly in sssthex ed!”

[CJ laughs with more conviction.]

CJ: I used to get a lot of “Clint, stop distracting the class!” and “Go outside, Clint!”...and the teachers liked it even less.

[CJ sits silently, still smiling and nods to himself.]

CJ: So I guess I’ve been stirring the pot, so to speak, for as long as I can remember.

[Cut to home video footage of Clint onstage. He’s wearing a ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt and cargo pants. He paces backward and forwards across the cramped stage.]

CJ: “And Labor’s solution to this is to ask us to vote for Mark Flippin’ Latham! The guy who makes the Khmer Rouge look like the effin’ Democrats!”

[Silence from crowd.]

CJ: “But you know what they say about the ALP, right? The Crean will always rise to the top!”

[More silence. Camera pans away to a disinterested member of the crowd reading the label of a beer bottle. Clint can be heard in the background exclaiming “so I was thinking the other day…imagine John Howard on Dancing With the Stars, wouldn’t that be..” (tape ends).]

[Back to CJ sitting on couch.]

CJ: There is definitely a political edge to the stuff I’m doing, yeah. I mean, I sometimes think, you know…Clint, you have a degree in Cultural & Media Studies

[Sudden cut to a photo of young CJ in a mortarboard. His gown is open and underneath he’s wearing a Hole t-shirt. He has one of his parents under each arm. They’re typical sunburnt suburbanites and have both got their eyes closed in the photo. A gigantic ECU banner is visible in the background.]

CJ: …you’re an educated guy. Why are you acting up in front of a bunch of strangers instead of being out there making a difference? But…to me, comedy is making a difference. You can make people think about things, sure. I mean…I could write a book, or a newspaper article…and I have written newspaper articles, actually…

[Another cut to a photo. It’s an opinion piece written in a local paper. There’s a small black and white photo of CJ baring his teeth and doing the ‘devil horns’ sign. Article reads “SUBURBAN SLAM WITH CLINT JOHANSSEN” with sub-title “ILUKA COUNCIL WHEELIE BIN EDICT UNJUST, TOTALITARIAN.”]

CJ: But all that would do is educate people. I want to make them laugh. And if they’re educated too, well…I’ve done my job.

[Cut to CJ sitting on an empty stage in a chair.]

CJ: I guess because of the kind of thing I’m trying to do with comedy, there are times when the audience doesn’t quite get my angle. Which I understand, you know…the first thing you learn is that the audience is never wrong…just sometimes maybe slightly uneducated, but it’s your job to reach out to them…I always try to lace my sets with some jokes for, ah…Joe Average, if you will. You know, the guy who gets home from pushing wheelbarrow or, um, welding… and has a beer, opens the paper…probably straight to the TV guide or…Hagar comics…then, you know…ahh…well I guess he goes to bed after that. Hopefully without having beaten his wife, or gambled away their food money on greyhounds. But I make sure there’s something for him in all my sets.

[Cut back to CJ’s performance tape.]

CJ: “So I, I um…I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, and you know, I asked why and she said “It’s because you’re a loser.” And that came as a real shock to me, because I don’t even support the Dockers, let alone bloody play for them!”

[Cut back to CJ sitting on chair.]

CJ: So yeah, it can definitely get a little trying, you know…but it’s certainly not going to deter me from doing what I love. I have an analogy, actually: the audience is like a computer. You need to fill it with information, you know…but if you try to cram too much onto the hard-drive…or the audience’s heads…the computer slows down and stops working. And sometimes that makes the computer a bit angry, and it will go and yell at me, or key my car…but really, it’s your fault for not having a better computer.

[Cut to CJ sitting in a café. He is reading a copy of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. He traces the text with his index finger and mimes the words as he reads. He pauses for a moment, puts the book down and produces a copy of the Oxford Modern Dictionary. Finding the word in question, he replaces the dictionary and resumes reading. Almost instantly, he puts the book down again and reaches for the dictionary.]

[Cut to CJ being filmed from across a table in the café.]

CJ: This is where I like to come for inspiration, just to, umm…people watch, I guess. I’ll sit here with a flat white, a novel…and just watch. I might think, you know “isn’t it funny how we’re in an economic crisis and yet…people are still buying things,” or…”why do men drink their coffees differently to women?” or…”oh, doesn’t that guy have a funny limp!” and just brainstorm for a while. I like to think of this as my office, so to speak. The dream factory.

[CJ chuckles to himself.]

CJ: The staff here are great, too. Really great senses of humour. There’s a little board outside where they like to write little poems or messages, just to give people a chuckle.

[Cut to a shot of a blackboard outside the café. It has ‘A Spoonfull (sic) of Sugar May Help the Medacine (sic) Go Down, But Our Super Sweet Lattes Will Bring You Up!”]

CJ: I help them out sometimes, actually…I said to Breeanne, the manager – she’s not here today – but I said, how about this one: “Henry the 8th: tyrant or twitcher? Go decaffeinated, not decapitated!” Haven’t seen it up yet…maybe a bit too highbrow, but all the girls had a real chuckle at that one.

CJ: But, ah…this is a really special place for me. I met Marnie, here actually. I was carrying a pot of hot tea over to my table and there was this, just…absolutely gorgeous woman sitting cross-legged on a chair, and I was…I was gobsmacked. I was so busy looking at her, actually, that I didn’t see this raised floorboard and…

[Cut back to CJ’s couch. A timid woman in her thirties is sitting down, dressed in a burgundy crushed velvet dress over green leggings. She has a single blonde plait in her brown hair and pulls distractedly at it as she speaks.]

Woman: …and it actually burned me quite badly. I still have this red mark…

[Woman goes to roll up dress over her stomach and shot cuts abruptly to CJ on the couch next to the woman.]

Marnie: I think…what attracted me to him most was definitely his energy. There’s a real vibrancy in Clint, a real passion that I haven’t found in any other men. He really loves to let you know how he’s feeling, to tell you what he thinks is wrong or unjust in the world and how he wants to go about fixing it. The whole car ride back from the hospital he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I think that’s when I fell for him.

[Camera shows close-up shot of CJ getting all misty-eyed.]

CJ: And with, Marnie…we just clicked. We love all the same things. Literature; film; nature; coffee, of course! I can have dairy, and she can’t, but that’s the only real thing. She actually gets violently ill. But you know, “soy be it!”

[CJ and Marnie share a laugh.]

Marnie: Clint’s really supportive of me and my career choices, too. I…I used to run my own Reiki clinic, and it was quite successful…but my passion has always been to write and illustrate children’s books that teach environmental awareness.

[Cut to a picture of a children’s book with a crayon drawing of a manatee with a plastic bag over its head. It reads: “PORPOISE IN PAIN” by Marnie Fern Morris.]

Marnie: So I decided to pursue that. And so Clint’s been great with supporting both of us. We just need to be a bit thrifty sometimes.

CJ: That’s right. I mean, Marnie always says “Clint, you have enough energy to power the whole shire!”

Marnie: It would be nice to be able to use the dishwasher sometimes, though…

CJ: I…yeah, but we’ve made choices, and we’re happy. Aren’t we?

Marnie: Oh, yes, absolutely. I just…no, it’s OK.

[Camera lingers on the couple. Marnie bows her head and looks like she’s crying. She squeezes CJ’s thigh. CJ looks limply at the camera without saying anything.]

CJ: Right….I’ll go check on dinner.

[Cut to CJ in the backyard with a shovel. He’s standing next to a shallow hole full of embers and is holding the shovel towards the camera. On it is a small alfoil parcel.]

CJ: Damper. Full of carbohydrates, easy to make…patriotic. Doesn’t require electricity…or hot water.

Clint Johanssen: Alternative Comedian

2009-09-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

Clint Johanssen: Alternative Comedian

[Blank screen with voiceover.]

CJ: All my heroes…all the guys who really pushed the boundaries…at some stage, have had to overcome hardship. All of them.

[Shot of man sitting on a couch. He’s in his mid-thirties, with receding hair tied into a ponytail. He is wearing a “Good Bush, Bad Bush” T-Shirt (depicting a hairy mons pubis and former US President George Walker Bush, respectively) and has a single gold hoop earring in his left ear. He wears glasses and appears slightly uneasy about the interview. The man speaks again.]

CJ: I mean, for example, right...Richard Pryor: set himself on fire trying to smoke crack cocaine. Umm…Rick Shapiro: Worked as a male prostitute. A homosexual male prostitute, actually. And of course, Bill Hicks…pancreatic cancer. Dead.

[Man pauses for a moment.]

CJ: And…if I have to suffer any of those things to see my name up in lights…then so be it.

[Wistful piano music as camera cuts to a shot of CJ sitting on the edge of his bed.]

CJ: I guess I’ve always been drawn to humour and making people laugh…I think it’s just something you’re born with.

[CJ smiles softly, then chuckles to himself.]

CJ: I remember actually, in Primary School...I used to be a bit of a class clown, used to get up to a bit of mischief…I did this one thing where I’d impersonate the Principal, you know – he had this horrible lisp – and I’d say to the other children you know, stuff like “sssssthufferin’ sstttthuckatash!” and “stttthtop being sthiilly in sssthex ed!”

[CJ laughs with more conviction.]

CJ: I used to get a lot of “Clint, stop distracting the class!” and “Go outside, Clint!”...and the teachers liked it even less.

[CJ sits silently, still smiling and nods to himself.]

CJ: So I guess I’ve been stirring the pot, so to speak, for as long as I can remember.

[Cut to home video footage of Clint onstage. He’s wearing a ‘Vote for Pedro’ shirt and cargo pants. He paces backward and forwards across the cramped stage.]

CJ: “And Labor’s solution to this is to ask us to vote for Mark Flippin’ Latham! The guy who makes the Khmer Rouge look like the effin’ Democrats!”

[Silence from crowd.]

CJ: “But you know what they say about the ALP, right? The Crean will always rise to the top!”

[More silence. Camera pans away to a disinterested member of the crowd reading the label of a beer bottle. Clint can be heard in the background exclaiming “so I was thinking the other day…imagine John Howard on Dancing With the Stars, wouldn’t that be..” (tape ends).]

[Back to CJ sitting on couch.]

CJ: There is definitely a political edge to the stuff I’m doing, yeah. I mean, I sometimes think, you know…Clint, you have a degree in Cultural & Media Studies

[Sudden cut to a photo of young CJ in a mortarboard. His gown is open and underneath he’s wearing a Hole t-shirt. He has one of his parents under each arm. They’re typical sunburnt suburbanites and have both got their eyes closed in the photo. A gigantic ECU banner is visible in the background.]

CJ: …you’re an educated guy. Why are you acting up in front of a bunch of strangers instead of being out there making a difference? But…to me, comedy is making a difference. You can make people think about things, sure. I mean…I could write a book, or a newspaper article…and I have written newspaper articles, actually…

[Another cut to a photo. It’s an opinion piece written in a local paper. There’s a small black and white photo of CJ baring his teeth and doing the ‘devil horns’ sign. Article reads “SUBURBAN SLAM WITH CLINT JOHANSSEN” with sub-title “ILUKA COUNCIL WHEELIE BIN EDICT UNJUST, TOTALITARIAN.”]

CJ: But all that would do is educate people. I want to make them laugh. And if they’re educated too, well…I’ve done my job.

[Cut to CJ sitting on an empty stage in a chair.]

CJ: I guess because of the kind of thing I’m trying to do with comedy, there are times when the audience doesn’t quite get my angle. Which I understand, you know…the first thing you learn is that the audience is never wrong…just sometimes maybe slightly uneducated, but it’s your job to reach out to them…I always try to lace my sets with some jokes for, ah…Joe Average, if you will. You know, the guy who gets home from pushing wheelbarrow or, um, welding… and has a beer, opens the paper…probably straight to the TV guide or…Hagar comics…then, you know…ahh…well I guess he goes to bed after that. Hopefully without having beaten his wife, or gambled away their food money on greyhounds. But I make sure there’s something for him in all my sets.

[Cut back to CJ’s performance tape.]

CJ: “So I, I um…I recently got dumped by my girlfriend, and you know, I asked why and she said “It’s because you’re a loser.” And that came as a real shock to me, because I don’t even support the Dockers, let alone bloody play for them!”

[Cut back to CJ sitting on chair.]

CJ: So yeah, it can definitely get a little trying, you know…but it’s certainly not going to deter me from doing what I love. I have an analogy, actually: the audience is like a computer. You need to fill it with information, you know…but if you try to cram too much onto the hard-drive…or the audience’s heads…the computer slows down and stops working. And sometimes that makes the computer a bit angry, and it will go and yell at me, or key my car…but really, it’s your fault for not having a better computer.

[Cut to CJ sitting in a café. He is reading a copy of ‘The Portrait of Dorian Gray’. He traces the text with his index finger and mimes the words as he reads. He pauses for a moment, puts the book down and produces a copy of the Oxford Modern Dictionary. Finding the word in question, he replaces the dictionary and resumes reading. Almost instantly, he puts the book down again and reaches for the dictionary.]

[Cut to CJ being filmed from across a table in the café.]

CJ: This is where I like to come for inspiration, just to, umm…people watch, I guess. I’ll sit here with a flat white, a novel…and just watch. I might think, you know “isn’t it funny how we’re in an economic crisis and yet…people are still buying things,” or…”why do men drink their coffees differently to women?” or…”oh, doesn’t that guy have a funny limp!” and just brainstorm for a while. I like to think of this as my office, so to speak. The dream factory.

[CJ chuckles to himself.]

CJ: The staff here are great, too. Really great senses of humour. There’s a little board outside where they like to write little poems or messages, just to give people a chuckle.

[Cut to a shot of a blackboard outside the café. It has ‘A Spoonfull (sic) of Sugar May Help the Medacine (sic) Go Down, But Our Super Sweet Lattes Will Bring You Up!”]

CJ: I help them out sometimes, actually…I said to Breeanne, the manager – she’s not here today – but I said, how about this one: “Henry the 8th: tyrant or twitcher? Go decaffeinated, not decapitated!” Haven’t seen it up yet…maybe a bit too highbrow, but all the girls had a real chuckle at that one.

CJ: But, ah…this is a really special place for me. I met Marnie, here actually. I was carrying a pot of hot tea over to my table and there was this, just…absolutely gorgeous woman sitting cross-legged on a chair, and I was…I was gobsmacked. I was so busy looking at her, actually, that I didn’t see this raised floorboard and…

[Cut back to CJ’s couch. A timid woman in her thirties is sitting down, dressed in a burgundy crushed velvet dress over green leggings. She has a single blonde plait in her brown hair and pulls distractedly at it as she speaks.]

Woman: …and it actually burned me quite badly. I still have this red mark…

[Woman goes to roll up dress over her stomach and shot cuts abruptly to CJ on the couch next to the woman.]

Marnie: I think…what attracted me to him most was definitely his energy. There’s a real vibrancy in Clint, a real passion that I haven’t found in any other men. He really loves to let you know how he’s feeling, to tell you what he thinks is wrong or unjust in the world and how he wants to go about fixing it. The whole car ride back from the hospital he wouldn’t stop talking about it. I think that’s when I fell for him.

[Camera shows close-up shot of CJ getting all misty-eyed.]

CJ: And with, Marnie…we just clicked. We love all the same things. Literature; film; nature; coffee, of course! I can have dairy, and she can’t, but that’s the only real thing. She actually gets violently ill. But you know, “soy be it!”

[CJ and Marnie share a laugh.]

Marnie: Clint’s really supportive of me and my career choices, too. I…I used to run my own Reiki clinic, and it was quite successful…but my passion has always been to write and illustrate children's books that teach environmental awareness.

[Cut to a picture of a children’s book with a crayon drawing of a manatee with a plastic bag over its head. It reads: “PORPOISE IN PAIN” by Marnie Fern Morris.]

Marnie: So I decided to pursue that. And so Clint’s been great with supporting both of us. We just need to be a bit thrifty sometimes.

CJ: That’s right. I mean, Marnie always says “Clint, you have enough energy to power the whole shire!”

Marnie: It would be nice to be able to use the dishwasher sometimes, though…

CJ: I…yeah, but we’ve made choices, and we’re happy. Aren’t we?

Marnie: Oh, yes, absolutely. I just…no, it’s OK.

[Camera lingers on the couple. Marnie bows her head and looks like she’s crying. She squeezes CJ’s thigh. CJ looks limply at the camera without saying anything.]

CJ: Right….I’ll go check on dinner.

[Cut to CJ in the backyard with a shovel. He’s standing next to a shallow hole full of embers and is holding the shovel towards the camera. On it is a small alfoil parcel.]

CJ: Damper. Full of carbohydrates, easy to make…patriotic. Doesn’t require electricity…or hot water.

PNG Farmers Seek to Dangle Carrot

2009-05-12T09:25:00.001-07:00

Shaft!

Carrot exports from Papua New Guinea have hit an all time nadir as farmers continue to engage in a bizarre practice known as ’shafting.’

The island nation - famous for it’s laissez-faire attitude towards clothing and trendsetting in the field of hoop earrings and melanomas - is feeling the sting of an unprecendented downturn in carrot demand.

Head of the PNG Carrot Farmers’ Union Solomon L’Aulua said other countries were reticent to import the nation’s carrots due to the recent trend of farmers hollowing out their produce and wearing them as codpieces.

“To be honest, I don’t see what the problem is. People in the west have stylish hats or going out trousers; we whittle carrots into lovely little cock-extenders,” he said.

Mr L’Aulua dubbed the waning demand for PNG’s carrots “disappointing” and claimed “if they knew what we were doing with our butternut pumpkins, agriculture in this country would grind to a slow, sticky halt.”

Dubious agrarian practices are nothing new to the region; Fiji was temporarily evicted from the the United Nations in 1994 following reports that their corn was being erroneously marketed as clitoral stimulators to impoverished townspeople.

That boy needs therapy.

2009-05-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

Here are my thoughts at this point in time. They may continue to be my thoughts at other points in time; conversely, I may have had these thoughts for a period of time preceding their commitment to this blog. I am nothing if not chronologically adaptable.

1. Waste coats

What is the fucking point of waistcoats? Did someone one day suddenly decide; ‘Geez, my shoulders and back are freezing, but my chest and arms are already sufficiently toasty. If only there were some practical solution!’

There is a practical solution, waiscoat wearers: it involves a length of garden hose and an exhaust pipe. Anyone who wears a waistcoat without intending to rob a stagecoach deserves to be beaten about the head and body with rakes.

2. Papacy Don’t Preach

Everyone’s favourite Hitler Youth - that zany Pope Ratzinger - continues to lambast the use of condoms and other contraceptives and encourage the impoverished, swarthy peoples of faraway lands to abstain from sex. After a day of mining blood diamonds and/or firing RPGs at opposing forces of nine year-olds, I think a man (boy?) is entitled to want a decent shag.

The inherent paradox in all of this is that despite preaching abstinence, Christians themselves worship a lifelong bachelor who was infamous for getting nailed.

3. Class discrimination in baked goods

I recently went to BP to buy a pie and noticed there was a variety called the ‘tradies’ pie. Being an arts student has imbued many traits in me - most relating to poor hygiene - but has also taught me to question everything. That I have paid thousands of dollars in HECS to basically learn advanced pedantry doesn’t bother me as much as it should. Anyway, I decided to debate the issue with an employee.

“Do you realize that in selling this product you imply that pies are somehow an exclusive staple of the tradie diet? What if a tradie felt like an open-faced salmon sandwich with cumquat chutney? A tapas plate to share with the other plasterers? Some pinot noir and a loaf of Italian bread with relish and assorted olive oils? Alternately, you’re suggesting that in buying this product, one then becomes a tradie; highly unlikely. I feel this pie is encouraging the kind of class tension that led directly to Stalinism and the deaths of tens of millions of people and I have to say I’m disappointed you’re complicit in this, Rajit.”

I bought the pie anyway, and upon my first bite immediately became prejudiced towards Asians and started to reek of sunscreen. I think I owe Rajit an apology.

4. Phil Collins could stand to learn a thing or to about symbolism.

I heard a Phil Collins song the other day where he sung about how he and some lucky lady had ‘two hearts living in just one mind.’ That’s a troubling thought. Imagine a baby born with two hearts within one mind in Viking times. They’d be put in a wicker basket, doused in accelerant and then WHOOSH…off to Valhalla. Sorry, Gunnar - next time get born with your vital organs in the right quantities and locations.

Furthermore, what kind of bullshit co-dependency is that? I feel uncomfortable sharing my toothbrush with a girlfriend, let alone allowing her to annex parts of my brain for her needy fucking cardiovascular system. Get out of here.

The End

Wildlife

2009-05-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

Wildlife

I’ve never grasped the human capacity for possessiveness. I wish I had – it may help explain away the dry humping going on in the booth adjacent to mine. They’re sitting; her on his lap, legs together; him with his calves wrapped around her shins and his hands atop hers, which rest on his thighs - a cloistered circuit, conducting desperation. I’ve watched them since they entered, giggling hysterically at an inane aside made by the boyfriend and stumbled to the counter as she sheepishly whispered her order into his ear, which he then relayed to the cashier. She attempted to pay – this seemed to offend his sense of propriety – and he desperately batted away her hand, producing a fifty of his own that was thrust upon the counter. She feigned outrage and then slapped him playfully in the stomach. He cracked the giddy grin of a dullard who knows no better. She stared dimly at the counter whilst resting her head on his shoulder. I wondered if it embarrassed her to be with someone so short.

They’re splitting an horrendously large iced coffee, doused in cream and several other carcinogens. This pleases me. Despite being provided two straws, he makes a point of drinking from the same one as her whenever she passes him the bucket. I’ve stopped reading my book, and decide to listen to their conversation. I prefer to critique the lives of others, because providing such studied scrutiny to my own life makes me fidgety.

"Did you end up going to, umm…" he asks, trailing off.

"To….?" she responds, nuzzling further into his jugular.

"To…you know?"

"Do I remember going to you know? Do I? Babe, you have to tell me!" she squeals.

"I’m trying to!" he yelps, squeezing her hand harder.

"You’re useless!"

They suck the enamel off each other’s premolars for another fifteen seconds or so, then he laughs again for no reason. I cannot convey how strongly I yearn for him to be on fire. The anthropologist in me would like to conduct a Pavlovian test on them; provide stimulus (a text message riddled with malapropisms and “xoxox”s; matching sets of manacles; familiar scent on a pillowcase) and watch them salivate rivers over the table.

They’re beginning to bore me. I remember the pot of tea I’ve had at the table for the past half hour. It’s unsalvageable; the leaves at the bottom have coagulated into a dense mesh and will doubtless taste like peroxide.

"What are you thinking?" she asks me from across the table.

"Things."

"No shit?"

She goes back to her book. It’s unlikely she wanted an answer.

There’s a group of middle-aged men at a table in the corner. They laugh too boisterously at each other’s jokes because they each individually have an enduring dread within them. The loudest of them, wearing a dress shirt that fits too tightly in the arms – the sleeves don’t reach his wrists – bangs on the table to accentuate his point and the rest of them seem impressed with his story. There’s nervousness in the way they drink their coffees and they seem ashamed to be here. None of them wear rings.

Out on the street, groups of drunks amble past hollering the last song they’d heard at the pub. A guy with no shirt whose forehead is far too close to his chin yells across the road at a cab, before leaning face first against a stop sign, waving his phone as if conducting some cretinous orchestra. A pod of plastered bleached blondes in stilettos strut past, one of them exclaiming:

"I’m ready for some DICK!"

This offends the man sitting by the window with a group of friends. He raises his eyebrows and looks at his girlfriend; seemingly abhorred, but secretly wishing she’d talk like that sometimes. She gives a blithe smile and continues talking to the man next to her. Their conversation is vibrant, peppered with laughter and fleeting brushes of thighs and hands. The boyfriend appears rightly concerned, and smiles from beneath a mask of restrained, irreconcilable torment. Despite frequent interjections, he doesn’t seem as canny as the other guy, and is unable to wrest control of the conversation from him. The boyfriend looks like a Phil, which is what I decide to name him as I imagine the nature of their conversation.

Girlfriend: “Oh, wasn’t it brilliant! And the casting was just spot on…”

Unscrupulous Buzzard: “That’s so true. Like, you just get the impression they knew it was the right role for Jodie Foster, and she is brilliant, I mean…have you seen Silence of the Lambs?”

Girlfriend: “No, I haven’t…”

UB: “Well it’s nothing like that, obviously, but she’s very good in it.”

Phil: “Yeah, she was…”

[Ignored by both parties.]

UB: “But I also thought the score was just tremendously done as well…you know, just the…emotion…that they managed to put into that and it really…well, I don’t know, but I’ll definitely pick up a copy of the soundtrack.”

Girlfriend: “I’m not really into classical…I like my music like my wine: Simply Red.”

[Laughter]

UB: “U2?”

[More laughter.]

Phil [Belatedly]: Gee it’s a bit hot in here…maybe we should go to the Beach, Boys?

[Silence.]

Phil then loses it and pours his hot chocolate all over his head before soiling himself and rolling around on the linoleum whilst the girlfriend excuses them both and says he’s had a very long day and it’s time for bed.

The reality of the situation is far less entertaining. Unscrupulous Buzzard is drawn back into the general conversation of the table, where the men are discussing something blokey. Phil makes a lewd joke, which elicits genuine laughter from the table until he realizes the girlfriend is looking disdainfully over her napkin at him and he quietly sips at his drink, allowing the conversation to stagnate until one of the women takes orders for the second round of coffees. The big wheel keeps on turning.

Phil’s struggle has a strange personal resonance. I recall feelings of abject despair; of terrible, unyielding sweats on winter nights; of frantically clawing at something that seemed such an imposition when it was attainable, but near-illusory the moment I allowed it any significant stake in my psyche. A thousand memories of a thousand paeans to futility and temporality… I’m uncomfortable.

"How’s the book?” I ask.

“I’ve already told you.”

She has, and I take this as a gut-searing personal defeat.

"Oh yeah. One day I’ll start listening to you. Maybe."

"I’m giddy."

The droll bitch has me, though there will be further exchanges. Redemption is not unattainable. I’m slightly flushed and I don’t want to know why because there’s probably no lesson here.

"Let’s go."

And we do.

A Current Today: Fiddler Fun

2009-01-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite: Good evening and welcome to another edition of A Current Today; the show that’s totally cool with just keeping things platonic, I mean really, why ruin such a beautiful friendship? It’d be crazy. Yeah, I’m totally cool just being mates. That’s that sorted then.

We begin tonight with a story featuring a man using a net to catch predators. A Current Today must stress that this is not a follow-up story about Hoos van Swiessenjoonk, the South African big game poacher who, at the time of filming, had suffered from an hitherto undiagnosed case of bi-polar disorder: Furthermore, we wish to divest ourselves of any responsibility for any figure-four leg locks, Indian burns or sautéing suffered by heavily-sedated Leopards during the aforementioned story.

[GHF shuffles papers at his desk, expecting to have already cut to story.]

GHF: Damned fruity yarpies…

[Story begins – GHF is sitting on a desk next to a computer, trying to act nonchalant. His top button is undone, left leg resting on the desk, right leg planted on the floor. He goes to plant his left hand on the desk but accidentally places it on the mouse, causing it (along with GHF) to violently lurch sideways. He regains his balance, looks at the camera despairingly and begins.]

GHF: The internet; where would we be without it? For millions worldwide, it is an indispensable tool, allowing us to bank, interact, enjoy sporting and cultural events, broadcast…

[Female voice interrupts.]

FV: Don’t forget shop!

[Camera pans across to where middle aged woman is sitting at another computer. GHF smiles sheepishly at the camera.]

GHF: My lovely wife Celeste! That’s right dear, don’t go spending too much on that sequined purse you found on Ebay (pronounces it “ebb-ay”).com!”

C: It’s a handbag, not a purse!

GHF (mumbling): Call it what you like, had my bloody balls in one for years…

C: What was that?

GHF: I said: “Check your emails, I forwarded you a hilarious slideshow of cats in various captioned predicaments!”

[GHF grimaces slightly then turns back to the camera.]

GHF: But although many call the internet the information superhighway, this is not a highway free of blights. Indeed, this highway is littered with seedy truckstops, in the fetid restrooms of which - amidst the caked-in stench of urine and semen - unsavoury lorry drivers and world-weary, ostrich-like prostitutes wash their genitals in hand basins of remorse, trying in vain to rid themselves of the viscous traces of another loveless, mutually-unfulfilling cyber-tryst all the while wondering why their moral compass has been thrown into disarray by the magnetic field of readily-accessible smut. Indeed, there is a dark side of the internet, a side [pause for effect]…that threatens perhaps our most precious commodity…besides nickel or maybe zinc….I mean…our most precious human commodity: our children.

[Camera cuts across to computer next to GHF which is displaying “Fatal Error 404.” Camera zooms in on the word “Fatal”/shot overlaid with a lingering and ominous synth stab.]

[Cut to GHF standing in front of a door.]

GHF: Internet chat rooms are a popular medium for young people to interact and discuss demographic-specific topics such as fashion trends and ribald dance manoeuvres. Secure in the company of their peers, today’s youth use the internet in the way previous generations used the school fete or fishing down the creek with the kids from across the road and congregate on - as they affectionately call it - “the W-W-W.” However, such chat rooms have also given sexual predators the means to prey on unsuspecting children by themselves posing as pre-teens and arranging rendezvous’ away from the watchful gaze of parents. There are, however, forces opposing these opportunistic perverts. Today, I meet with one of the men who fights paedophiles at the front line, on line (said in forceful, authoritative sexily-punny way.]

[Camera cuts to close up of SPAULDING – the word is obviously embroidered on a garment. Camera zooms out and reveals a man in his late 40’s. He is balding and sports a combover, has a chinstrap beard, blue zip-up nylon Spaulding track top, a pair of mustard track pants and a pair of Velcro Dunlop KT-26s. He has his arms crossed and is trying to look stoic and macho but doesn’t realise he has a large framed photo of himself dressed in drag on his coffee table. Camera pans away from man and zooms in on photo instead. He realises what is going on and shuffles sideways to block the shot. Shot ends on his mustardy crotch.]

[Cut to montage of man doing boring household things like watering plants, making a cup of tea, showing GHF photos of cats etc. “Heroes” by David Bowie plays during montage until GHF voiceover.]

GHF Voiceover: This is Warren Spenk; Warren might look like your everyday Aussie bloke, but his laid-back demeanour belies the fact that Warren is one of society’s unsung heroes. From the unlikely command post of this single-room flat in Rivervale, Warren wages war on paedophiles in children’s chat rooms.]

[Cut to Warren sitting down. Shot captures him from waist up, he’s at left of frame.]

W: A lot of people say you can’t combine business and pleasure, you know…but this is my business and it also brings me a great deal of pleasure. (Pauses.)
A great deal.

[Cut to GHF and Warren standing in W’s bedroom. Computer is visible in the background.]

GHF: So, Warren, this is where the magic takes place?

W (chuckles): I suppose you could say so, Garrick…

GHF: It certainly doesn’t look like much, but you’ve done a lot of great work here, haven’t you.

W: Well I’m just an ordinary bloke, Garrick, but I like to…y’know, it feels damn good to make a difference.

GHF: And of course you can always have a nap when you’re tuckered out! Working hard or hardly working, eh Wazza!

[GHF slaps W hard on the back and he noticeably recoils, laughing nervously. GHF looks at one of W’s bedposts.]

GHF: Ah, are those notches I see?

W: Well, umm…

[GHF cuts him off.]

GHF: There’s only two!

W: Well I uh, I lost count at…two.

GHF: Looks like there’s a bit of moss there in them…

[Camera lingers on W as he looks at the ground and rubs his brow, nods slightly and stays staring at the ground. Shot lingers for a few more seconds then cuts away.]

[Cut to GHF standing in front of W’s computer. W is sitting at the PC, back turned to camera, typing.]

GHF: Warren operates by assuming the identity of a young chatter and building rapport with legitimate youngsters by speaking to them in their own colloquialisms.

[Cut to computer screen showing an MSN chat.]

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

Have u got the new Doctor Dre album? It’s pretty whacked!

~/{MyFlAmeBuRnS4U]\~ says:

na I dun like him

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

Word!

[Cut back to GHF]

GHF: Once Warren has spent sufficient time chatting to another user, he will arrange a meeting with them in a secluded park on the outskirts of the metropolitan area. Upon meeting the child, he then reveals his true identity and drives them home in his panel van. No paedophiles are caught, but the process provides young chatters with a sobering lesson in the perils of trusting unknown internet contacts.

[GHF goes over to W at computer and squats down beside him.]

GHF: How are we going there, Warren?

W: Yeah, good mate…making a bit of progress with this one.

[Cut to computer screen again.]

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

Argh! It’s a damned repeat of Degrassi this arvo! I’m sooo devo! Like srsly!

Me n’ stef are the la la sisters n’ u ALL no it! says
lol yer I gess

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

I hate my dad.

Me n’ stef are the la la sisters an u ALL no it! says

lmao ur random ey do u goto st patrikss.?

[Cut back to GHF and W sitting at computer.]

GHF: There really are a lot of risks involved for children who use the internet, aren’t there Warren?

W (nodding): Oh yeah, Garrick…there’s all kinds of nasties out there.

GHF: Can you tell us about a few of them.

W (befuddled): Well there’s, um…there’s pedos. obviously; blokes who would take the kids to a park and take their beep and maybe do a bit of beep beep beep, twirl it around a bit and –y’know- beep them basically….there’s um…poofs…dykes…ahhh…viruses…Hindus…

GHF: Sounds like a bit of a minefield, Warren.

W (regaining confidence): Oh, it certainly is! It makes me really thuyen bak!

GHF: Come again?

W: Oh, I’m sorry…I drift in and out of Cambodian sometimes. I meant hopping mad.

GHF: Man of many talents! Where did you learn to speak Cambodian? And why?

W (curtly): Business trip. Business trips. Long time ago, I’m getting rusty…a-heh. Anyway, I think I’ve got one here!

GHF Voiceover: Warren has managed a breakthrough with a thirteen year-old girl who goes by the user name “Percentage sign, RITA, percentage sign, exclamation mark, LOL.” He’s going to attempt to take the conversation up a notch and lure her into what those in the industry refer to as “cyber sex.”

% RITA % ! LOL says

sooooo…u skate?

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

You bet your arse I do! Toni Hawk 4ever!!

% RITA % ! LOL says

ye ma xbf use 2 but he got hit in da hed pritty hard n coodnt do it ne more.

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

Oh, Snap!

% RITA % ! LOL says

ye. U got a pic I wana c if ur cute hehe

% RITA % ! LOL says

ima flirt if u dint notice!! ;)

Sk8boiKevinSheedy666 says:

I’m going unload my sac on you.

[Cut back to GHF and W at computer.]

GHF: So from here you’ll consolidate the relationship and arrange a meeting?

[W is distracted and doesn’t here the question properly.]

W: Hm? Oh…yep, that’s the one. Yep. Will do that.

[W’s wall phone rings.]

W: I’ll get it.

[W gets up abruptly and turns sideways, knocking over a pencil pot on the desk with his prominent erection. Camera once again lingers as GHF and W look awkwardly at each other.]

[Cut to GHF and W walking next to each other down a suburban street.]

GHF voiceover: Warren is a diligent servant of the community, and doesen’t confine his vigilance to the online environment. He frequently spends his time scoping out other real-world paedophile hotspots such as public swimming pools, playgrounds, neighbours’ backyards and primary schools like this one.

[GHF motions with his hand and camera pans across to show local primary school.]

W: Well they could be anywhere, really Garrick. That bush over there, for example…you could quite easily hide in there with a camera…maybe one of the boys would come over there because he’d been drinking a lot of cordial and needed to do a widdle but didn’t want to run to the toilet…maybe he’d get his willy out and just do a wee on the bush, and god knows you could get one, maybe two cameras in there and no one would be the wiser…no one at all…

GHF: Frightening, isn’t it?

W: Hrm? Oh…yeah, terrifying. Very, um…scary. And I mean, there’s safety houses around but the sign is what, a yellow triangle and a smiling house? You could forge one of those easily. All you need is some plastic from Bunnings…can get it for about five bucks…use a mounted saw to cut it down nice and evenly, maybe buff the edges once you’re done… then you’d just need one of those thick Artline markers…not hard at all. And the kids, well, they’re none the wiser.

GHF: Certainly an alarming thought for upstanding citizens like yourself.

W: You betcha.

GHF: Anyway Warren, let’s go in and speak to some of the teachers.

[GHF tries to usher W through the schools front gate.]

W: I’m not sure that’s such a good…

[A piercing alarm sounds from around W’s feet.]

GHF: What was that?!

[Camera pans down. W is wearing shorts and his legs are visible. Around one ankle is a bright silver band.]

W: Oh…it’s me umm…heart rate monitor. Plays up a bit when it gets near…grass.

GHF: The price we pay for good health, eh! Maybe next time then.

[W exhales loudly and wipes his brow as he and GHF walk away from school.]

[Cut to GHF standing with his back to the crest of an embankment at a local reserve. Children can be seen playing football in the background.]

GHF: Warren’s passion for community wellbeing isn’t all about preventative measures, either; he’s also concerned with nurturing young people and helping them engage in more positive aspects of childhood. It is for this reason that he revels in his volunteer work at the Thornlie Junior Football Club.

[Camera cuts to man in a cap with whistle around his neck.]

Coach: Yeah, Warren certainly makes a...unique contribution around the place. We didn’t actually need any volunteer orange-cutters, but he seems to enjoy the work…

[Cut to W, dressed in tight shorts with a tucked in tracktop, a foam tennis visor and thigh-high socks breaking out a Tupperware container full of orange halves. A boy approaches him.]

W: Oh, G’day Tim! Get a few touches out there?

T: I spose.

W: Well watch out, ya might get leather poisoning! Hahah!

[T reaches for an orange slice.]

W: Whoa! Your hands are all grubby there matey, you’ll get the shits if you eat it with them! I’d better feed it to you…

[T looks uncomfortable.]

GHF Voiceover: Whether it be slicing oranges, teaching the lads the secret behind his legendary torpedo punt [shot of W holding the ball sideways and kicking it straight up in the air in front of a group of disinterested kids and a fuming coach], providing moral support from the sidelines [W doing the Macarena and yelling “GO THORNLIE”] or affectionately dousing the team in canola oil [kids running out onto the field, W grabs one by the arm and sprays him with aerosol can of cooking oil, kid is wriggling, W: “Get ya nice and slippery there mate, don’t watch the tackles sticking!”], Warren does it all for the kids.

[Cut to GHF and W standing in front of the team, who are stretching.]

GHF (patronisingly enthusiastic): Cor, they look like a pretty well drilled unit Waz!

W: Oh, too right! They keep me on my toes, don’t you fellas!

[Kids all look blankly at W]

W: Yep, my little terrors! Stretch your groins, there lads, don’t want to pull a groin! Have to be a bit older before you start pulling down there!

GHF (confused): Heh…

W: You boys’ll be right into that one day…

GHF: Oh, wanking! I bet!

W (getting more excited): You’ll be at it all the bloody time!

GHF: All the time!

W (more excited): Telling mum you’ve been eating sprouts in your room again! Four times a day!

GHF: Ah, hormones eh!

W (yelling): OH NO MUM, I’VE GONE AND BLOODY SPROGGED EVERYWHERE!

[W laughs wildly as GHF chuckles, still oblivious to W’s depravedness. The kids look alarmed. W settles eventually.]

W: Right kids, stretch it out nice and hard for ten more seconds and we’ll finish up.

GHF: All in a day’s work, eh Warren?

[W turns to face GHF. There is a trolley with waterbottles on it between them. In profile, we see that W again has a prominent erection, which knocks over the bottles when he turns to face GHF.]

W: Ah…yep.

[Cut to GHF and W standing back at W’s front porch.]

GHF: Well mate, it’s been a pleasure and I think I speak for all of us when I say: Keep up the good work, cobber!

W: Thanks Garrick…I do it for the kids. All about the kids.
[As GHF is about to leave a girl scout selling biscuits arrives at Warren’s doorstep.]

GS: Would you like to buy biscuits to support…

[Girl steps onto porch and the shrieking sound from before is heard.]

GHF: Heart rate monitor?

W (hurriedly): Yep.

[“My Hero” by Foo Fighters plays as we see W scurry back into his house, leaving a bewildered girl scout and GHF on the front verge. Ten seconds pass, then we see one of W’s blinds move slightly and W peers out at the two from behind it before moving away from the window.]

[Cut to GHF back in studio.]

GHF: Warren Spenk; truly a paragon of selflessness. That’s about all we have time for tonight, but before we go I’d like to thank Primrose Orchards for their donation of a crate of navel oranges for tonight’s story; with any luck, men like Warren will be around our children’s navels for some time yet. Thanks for being with us, and, until next time, I’m Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite for A Current Today.

A Current Today T-Shirt Troubles

2009-01-01T06:49:00.000-08:00

GHF: Hello and welcome to another edition of A Current Today; the show that really, really, really wants to zig-azig-AHH. I’m Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite and I’m [GHF squints as though looking at autocue, hesitates for a moment and continues slowly and sternly, though obviously perplexed] not…wearing any panties.

GHF: Tonight we bring you a story featuring two young Australians who have fallen afoul of the draconian laws of another country in a bizarre case of mistaken identity. Dominic Andericci and Tony Voulos now find themselves on death row in Bahrain, with Australian authorities seemingly unable to assist them.

[Cut to GHF standing at a desk with a globe on it. He spins the globe and places his index finger on what he thinks is a country.]

GHF: Bah…

[Camera zooms in on globe; his finger is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Camera zooms out as GHF frantically rotates and places his finger on Bahrain (Marked with a bright red X)]

GHF: Bahrain; most of us couldn’t even spell it, let alone locate on a map. But this small country, with it’s population of just over a million and it’s inconsiderately difficult to spell name is at the centre of a diplomatic maelstrom that looks set to result in the executions of two Australian teenagers.

[GHF standing outside Challenge Stadium]

GHF: Earlier this year, a Shotokan Karate competition was held here in Perth, attended by representatives from over fifty countries, including Bahrain. Bahrain, a martial arts-mad nation where statues depicting scenes from Jean-Claude Van Damme’s “Bloodsport” are commonplace in schools and outside of mosques, sent two competitors to the meet. The men, Courtney Hussein-Hussein and Tariq Akbal Nasser al-Bundy went missing upon touching down in Perth and are currently believed to be in hiding, hoping to be granted permanent residency. Under Bahraini law, the duo’s actions constitute treason; a crime punishable by death.

[Cut to GHF standing outside a JayJay’s holding a shirt.]

GHF: This [GHF holds shirt up, revealing that it says “Bahrain Karate Team est. 1979”.]
is the shirt responsible for the wrongful arrest of Dominic Andericci and Tony Voulous. Purchased by Dominic here at JayJays Morley along with shirts reading: “Wet Beavers: We Bring Logs to Your Dam” and “MILF AND COOKIES”, this shirt was mistaken as legitimate by Bahraini officials sent to Australia to apprehend the two athletes; a terrible case of mistaken identity that has seen Dom and Tony placed in Bahraini custody. Officials in Bahrain have refused to comment other than to say the pair were arrested largely because they were “kind of brown” and Bahrain “gotta execute some motherfucker.”
[Cut to GHF outside a building in the city.]

GHF: As there is no Bahraini embassy here in Australia, A Current Today has thus far been unable to contact any of their diplomats to discuss the case. We have emailed the office of this man, Bahrain’s Minister for Justice and Vending Machines, Taqir Omar Gawd [stock photo of Brad in condom helmet] but have as yet received no response. Amateur video has been released of the boys’ trial, where they were represented by the only English-speakers they were able to find in the country; a misdirected shipment of speaking Pierce Brosnan greeting cards.

[Grainy footage of the two boys sitting in cheap plastic chairs at a table. The judiciary panel consists of three men in robes sitting cross-legged on the ground holding assault rifles. They are accompanied by a small dog in a cowboy hat. One of the men aggressively addresses the boys in a foreign language (gibberish) and then glares at them. One of the boys stands up after the other elbows him under the table and opens a card.]

Card [Brosnan voice]: May this Christmas leave you shaken, not stirred.

[Judiciary begin screaming and firing their guns in the air.]

Seated boy: Nice one, pooftah!

[Cut back to GHF in studio]

GHF: As far as we can ascertain, the two boys have been sentenced to death. In accordance with Bahraini law, they will be doused in molasses and then brutally beaten with a donkey’s shinbone. As Australian representatives try desperately to extract the boys from this horrific situation, A Current Today has managed to secure the first ever interview with the boys. Tonight, we are joined via satellite link-up with Dominic Andericci.

GHF: Dominic, thank you for sharing your time during what must be a most trying period for you.

[Dominic is shown in stock photo in background. He is standing next to a plaster lion doing an “archer” pose in a pair of Adidas trackies and a backwards Juventus FC hat.]

Dominic: Yeah bro.

GHF: Now like everyone else, I’m curious as to just how Bahraini authorities managed to confuse two Australian teenagers for a pair of AWOL martial artists. Can you tell the viewers exactly how events unfolded on the day of your arrest.

Dominic: I dunno mate, I was going to pick up my nonna when she got in from Tripoli and I was like, wearing some bullshit shirt Jacynda bought for me but I had to cause she was coming with me and I had to pretend I liked it so I could get a wristie later but these lebbo blokes grabbed me and started yelling and shit and then they put me and Tony in handcuffs.

GHF: And no airport security came to your aid?

Dominic: Nah man, they had it in for us cause I wouldn’t take out my nipple rings when I went through the metal detector and some fat skippie poof had a go at me.

GHF: I see…and are you being treated well in custody?

Dominic: It’s a bit shit mate…like, it’s a co-ed prison but I don’t like asian chicks. If Jacynda is watching tell her that, I could have rooted heaps in here but I haven’t.

GHF: I’m sure she’ll be pleased to hear the news. From what I’m told, Bahraini prisons are notoriously brutal places; have you and Tony been subjected to or witnessed any acts of brutality?

Dominic: Well like, sometimes I do this thing where I yell “Guards, guards…oi, come quick mate, someone has guns in the cell!” and then they come running and its just me and Tony flexing and they like taser us and shit.

GHF: That sounds horrific…

Dominic: Yeah all the electricity fucks up our hair bro, it’s fucked.

GHF: We’re almost out of time, but do you have any messages to pass on to loved…

[Dominic interrupts]

Dominic: Oi, fuck off faggot!

GHF: Excuse me?

Dominic: Fucking Tony is making a face at me like he’s licking a pussy.

GHF: I…

[Dominic interrupts again, his voice more distant now as he moves away from the phone.]

Dominic: FUCK OFF! You’ve never even seen a mut!

Dominic [back on the phone, voice clearer]: Oi, I just want all of Australia to know that Tony has never eaten a pussy and the one time he hooked up with some dirty chick he sprogged his pants. [Distant again] Hahaahah! Sucked in, pooftah!

GHF: Dominic, this is a serious…

Dominic: Mate, you should see how red he’s going! He’s fucking crying mate!

GHF: You’re going to be beaten to death with a donkey bone!

Dominic: I have a donkey bone right here, Mr Reporter.

[Sounds of a struggle]

Dominic: Fuck off! Fuck off! Don’t touch my dick!

[Phone cuts out]

[Cut back to GHF in studio looking bewildered]

GHF: Tony Voulos and Dominic Andericci…two very brave young Australians. Now to the results of last week’s phone poll topic: “Is the road to Stalinism paved with low-rider jeans?”

[Cuts again to a photo of Brad in condom helmet]

GHF: Um…I think…

[Credits begin abruptly]

A Current Today

2009-01-01T06:45:00.000-08:00

This one did actually get finished, but the file is floating around somewhere on an old computer. It's a tragic loss for the literary world.

A Current Today

Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite: Good evening Australia, and welcome to another evening of A Current Today; the show that saved Christmas.

Before we begin tonight, I’d like to make a retraction on behalf of A Current Today, the network and myself. In our April 19th story on the programming director of Channel 5, we claimed that the aforementioned individual dabbled in the black arts, and was responsible for plague and pestilence. Regrettably, this information turned out to be false, and we have been forced to pay Mr. Williams a sizeable figure in damages. Whilst we cannot disclose the exact sum, he will doubtless squander all of it on indulging his ravenous cocaine addiction. We apologise for any confusion this report may have caused.

We embark on tonight’s instalment of A Current Today with the story of Neville Smythe, a World War Two Hero who has been prohibited from the pastime he loves by hard-hearted bureaucrats with no appreciation of the concept men like Neville fought for; a fair go for all.

[Dramatic music plays as we zoom out from an old black and white photo of a WW2 digger. The digger has crossed eyes and a blank stare]

Voiceover (Neville Smythe): When they told me…I just couldn’t believe it. I just could not believe it. How…how can they? It’s just plain wrong…they’ve taken the joy from an old man’s life!

[Cut to GHF standing next to a war memorial at dawn. He is smoking and doesn’t realise the cameras are running; upon noticing that they are, he stubs out his cigarette on the memorial, runs a hand through his hair, and begins to speak]

GHF: (Coughs) The man you (coughs again)…pardon me…the man you just heard from is Neville Smythe, a digger who serves with courage for Australia at El Alamein in 1942. Originally from Mukinbudin, Western Australia, 18-year-old Neville decided to enlist in 1940, after his dairy farmer father had deemed it a liability to leave young Nev alone with farm animals. Honourably discharged after two weeks of service as a result of accidentally shooting his commanding officer in the testicles, Neville returned to “Mucko” as a hero, and still holds the record for growing the region’s largest ever sweet potato. Currently living in an RSL home in Perth, Neville enjoys playing bridge, following his beloved West Coast Eagles, and spending time with his grandchildren.

Neville, however, also has another habit, and one that leads us to tonight’s story. Neville Smythe, war hero and defender of the ANZAC traditions, has been cruelly prohibited from his favourite hobby by a callous city council. Yes, Neville Smythe will no longer find fulfilment from his passion in life; arson.

[Cut to GHF sitting in RSL home common room with NS.]
GHF: Now Neville, I understand that the Perth City Council has opted to ban you from arson after you attempted to burn down a local primary school. Why would these heartless suits see fit to stop an old man, a war hero, from doing what he loves most?

Neville: Oh Garrick, I just don’t know. It makes me so angry, it does. How can they? All I done was burn down the school canteen! It’s not like kids need more food. I’ve got grand kids you know, and they’re plump little buggers.

GHF: It’s an outrage Nev, a downright outrage. You’ve been practicing arson for years without complaint, so why the uproar now? It stinks of foul play.

Neville: Too bloody right it does! Back in my day, arson was commonplace! Prime Minister Chifley and I used to burn down wheat silos all the time! I’ll tell you what it is, it’s these bloody bleeding heart, loony left Muslim-huggers in government now, telling me that I can’t singe a few kids…it’s…oh my goodness…

[Neville breaks down in tears]

[GHF reaches over the table and clasps Neville’s hands]

GHF (Softly): It’s alright Nev, old cobber, it’s alright…

[Cut to GHF standing on the sidewalk outside an office building]

GHF: It appears that whilst the government was prepared to turn a blind eye to Neville’s harmless incineration of forests, animal sanctuaries and relatives’ homes, primary schools are taboo in the eyes of these callous pen-pushers. The man responsible for this sickening vilification of an old ANZAC is Perth City Councillor Greg McIntosh. I’m standing now outside of Mr. McIntosh’s office, hoping to confront him about his appalling edict to ban Digger Nev from his beloved arson.

[Camera crew follows GHF inside the building. He approaches a startled receptionist]

GHF: Garrick Hopkins-Featherwaite, A Current Today. I’d like to speak with Mr. McIntosh.

Receptionist: Mr. McIntosh is in a meeting at the moment, but if you’d care to wait for fifteen minutes, he’ll be free to see you.

GHF: Oh…alright, then.

[Cut to GHF and two cameramen sitting in reception area. GHF is reading a New Idea]

GHF: How about that Angelina Jolie stealing Brad from Jen.

Cameraman: Whore.

GHF: Oh, I know!

Construction

2009-01-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

Another creative writing assignment. It got 49% from memory, and I still hold a grudge.

I had met her on Friday. It was of those group settings where mutual friends had none too subtly attempted to subvert the courting process and shove us begrudgingly into each other’s calculations. I hadn’t, though, reckoned with how attracted to her I would be. Nor had I taken into consideration exactly how long it had been since I’d attempted to talk to a woman as a single man.

It had been awful. Speaking to her, I seemed to lose all use of vowels. My words came out in clusters, inarticulate and grating. I attempted to adopt a softer, flirty intonation and instead sounded like I’d been anaesthetised. Our chemistry hadn’t been so much Shakespearean as the kind that allows manure and petrol to form a potent explosive. Our conversation had adopted a bizarre staccato rhythm wherein we interrupted, spoke over, blushed, excused ourselves and insisted the other continue with such regularity that we would have completed perhaps only a dozen sentences between us. Any predatory instincts I may once of possessed had been blunted by a nine month relationship. My ability to discuss anything even remotely engaging with a woman I was attracted to had been usurped by an encyclopaedic knowledge of Sex and the City. I had seen a documentary recently where a lioness had taught her young to hunt by letting them hone their skills on a decrepit wildebeest. In another of those instances where human behaviour mirrors that displayed in nature, I could see the parallels as I broke her resistance with several hundred cub-sized bites. I would have called the whole thing off if not for the fact that she was the most alluring decrepit wildebeest in the pub. It was seduction by attrition and it was not pleasant.

Remarkably, she had agreed to have dinner with me the following Monday. I’m still yet to ascertain exactly what she found attractive about me. Perhaps my stuttered attempts at conversation had a certain befuddled charm. Perhaps she took pity on what she assumed were my severe personality impairments. In any case, it is now an hour until she arrives and I am busy at work constructing myself.

Let me elaborate on this. I like to think we’re all multifaceted people with a broad spectrum of interests, personality quirks and predispositions. However, not all of our idiosyncrasies are fit for exposure in any social setting. People need to be judicious in what they divulge about themselves, and must always take into consideration the context in which they do so, even if they deem a certain aspect of their personality to be an impressive trait. For example, when applying for a job an applicant wouldn’t list “Ability to surreptitiously siphon company funds into personal account with minimal chance of detection” as one of their strengths, despite the high degree of competence required to do so. Similarly, one would be best advised not to mention their keen interest in snuff films at a wake, or, to apply an example from my own personal experience, allow a Bob Seger album to remain on my shelf in full view of a woman I have every intention of bedding.

I bear this in mind as I sift through my CD stack, removing potentially embarrassing items and replacing them with albums that serve to highlight my musical acumen. Dark Side of the Moon replaces BacDaFucUp, Al Green replaces Robert Palmer and Wendy Matthews in unceremoniously flung out the window. I’ve decided to construct myself as someone whose taste is hip, yet not so esoteric as to be threatening. I settle on Portishead as the music to accompany dinner, a mature yet suitably cool selection which could prompt further discussion, which could lead to my playing an Andy Smith Document album, which in turn could lead to me vicariously taking credit for the music taste of someone immeasurably more credentialed than myself. I decide to plant one kitsch album in amongst the collection – Hall and Oates’ Gold – so that she might find it and tease me while I feign shock that she hasn’t a copy of her own and smile sheepishly. She’ll then realise that despite my suave exterior, I’m not above laughing at myself and we’ll dance in the living room to “Out of Touch,” fall into each other’s arms and make adroit, middle-class love on the couch.

A common fallacy propagated by both sexes is that in order to impress people, you need just ‘show the real you’ and ‘be yourself.’ I vehemently disagree with this. The ‘real me’ can quote, verbatim, the entire Days of Thunder script. The ‘real me’ is known on occasion to watch children’s game shows to hurl derision at contestants who can’t identify former Prime Ministers. I’m pretty sure Pol Pot was just ‘being himself.’ There must always be a degree of poetic license applied when constructing yourself, and cultivating an image is of greater importance than the illusory concept of ‘the real you.’ Once someone is suitably comfortable in your presence, less desirable traits such as condescension towards children and a penchant for genocide can be revealed. It is because of my eagerness to present a desirable representation of myself that I am panicked in deciding on an outfit for the evening.

My initial thought was to dress as casually as possible and present an image of detached cool and in turn make her more receptive to being open with me. I’m unsure why, but it seems to be the style of the times to wear vintage t-shirts with the name of fictitious Japanese sports teams emblazoned on them. In accordance with this, I lay out my “Abashiri Fishing Village All-Stars est. 1973” shirt next to a pair of jeans. However, I’m worried that she may wear something more sophisticated, and I run the risk of alienating her and making her feel overdressed. I reconsider my choice of outfit and prepare an alternative with a black dress shirt replacing the vintage tee. I read once that a woman can tell all she needs to know about a man by a cursory glance at his shoes. I search my wardrobe for a pair that radiate “sensitive yet virile male who will fulfil your every carnal desire and then write a sonnet on the subject afterwards.” I cannot find any, so settle instead for brown moccasins. I decide to defer on making a judgement on the shirt and opt to remain topless until five minutes before she arrives.

I set the table and tidy away any fast food containers or Segal movies that might betray my slovenly bachelor lifestyle. Apparently warm environments are more conducive to feelings of wellbeing and openness, so I opt not to turn the air conditioning on, despite the fact that it’s twenty four degrees outside.

Having prepared the dining area, I go to my room and make the bed. Should the evening be a success, I’ve got a packet of condoms stashed in my top drawer. Selecting the right variety and texture had been a challenge in itself. I had to negotiate the difficult task of buying a model that was neither too explicitly kinky nor unimaginatively dull. I had flirted with the idea of buying the extra large variety, but such puerile bravado would come undone should I be required to use them, and images of parking a Fiat in an aircraft hangar plagued me. Ultimately, I decided that in case oral sex were to enter the equation, it would be remiss of me not to get the flavoured assortment: nothing but the tastiest latex for my baby. However, this led to another dilemma as I questioned whether or not the kind of woman who would dispense oral pleasure so early in the piece would be the kind of partner I’d want for a committed relationship. What if we were to end up together and, upon our break-up, she was to completely disregard the roughly month-long fellatio armistice expected of exes? Fuck her! Although I guess that was the object of the exercise.

I stop speculating about such frankly insane sexual folly and realise that the condom packet is still in pristine condition. Herein lies a problem; I need to remove enough condoms to display that yes, I have had sexual relationships with a woman or women before her, but not so many as to make her think me a womaniser. From the packet of twenty- four, I decide nine is an acceptable number to remove after having deliberated on taking an even half, then erring on the side of caution. To give the box a more weathered look, I crush the corners and put it in the clothes dryer for ten minutes.

I’m in no way prepared when the doorbell rings, and, shirtless and trying to figure out how long cardboard can safely be left to tumble dry, I race to my room and throw on the first thing that comes to hand. My attempt at debonair cool has been compromised and I’m going to have to think on my feet.

As it transpires, the dinner goes near seamlessly. I’m able to converse at a level above that of a gibbon and even voluntarily show her the Hall and Oates CD. We don’t make love on the couch, but we do discuss how the advent of hairspray in the eighties doubtless brought global warming forward several centuries. I manage to make her laugh, usually intentionally, and she seems to genuinely enjoy my company. At the end of the night I get a kiss goodnight and she tells me to call her. I feel a sudden giddiness and a hot flush goes across my brow, which is quite possibly the result of heatstroke, but which I believe to be symptomatic of something more profound. I’m currently debating whether or not to call her tomorrow and invite her over to watch It’s Academic.

Avocado

2009-01-01T06:31:00.000-08:00

This is a story I wrote for a unit at Curtin a couple of years back. It's been described variously as "gritty," "austere" and "fucking lame."

The alarm wakes me, my clock radio informing me that it is 7 am, though I find it preferable to measure time based on absence. It is, for example, fifteen years since I had hair. It is five seconds since I last slept. It is an inestimable amount of time since I had a conscience, or for that matter, a satisfying breakfast. The latter, in keeping with my unique form of chronology, is commensurate with the five years since I had a wife. I read once that human remains are the most effective fertiliser known to man. Whilst I have no particular affinity for botany, there is a stretch of roses in my garden, roughly five feet long, wherein the flowers are of much greater stature than those surrounding them.

I get out of bed and prepare for work in the same autonomous fashion that I always do, guided by routine. Upon consumption of my sloppy eggs, I feel fleeting regret at the demise of my wife, before recalling her similarly sloppy lovemaking skills. My regret is assuaged.

I lay out five ties on my bed. Today is Monday - lime green tie day. As with every day, I flirt with the notion of bucking routine and wearing the fuchsia one instead, but to entertain such madness would doubtless plunge the universe as I know it into utter pandemonium. I feel slightly giddy as I fashion the lime green tie into a crisp windsor knot, staring pleadingly at the fuchsia alternative that is reserved for Thursday, lest chaos ensue.

I arrive at work at precisely 8:30. I once arrived at 8:41 and was disconsolate for the rest of the day. I attributed my behaviour to having recently lost a loved one. Very recently, in fact. I vowed that day never to let such trifling matters disrupt routine again.

I walk to my cubicle and sit down in my perpetually uncomfortable swivel chair. There is a screw that protrudes from the seat that leads to immeasurable discomfort throughout the day. Pablo, the office maintenance man, has neglected to remove it despite my ongoing protestations. Pablo is my nemesis, and will be dealt with as soon as I acquire the gelignite that I am currently bidding for on E-bay.

Although I cannot see her, I know that Louise is in the cubicle to my right. I am in love with Louise, who is a widow. Her erstwhile husband was involved in a minor car accident. Upon learning of her bereavement, I made her a photo frame out of his brake cables, in which there now unfortunately resides a picture of him. He mocks me posthumously and I can no longer walk past Louise’s cubicle.

I cannot tell you what I do for a living, because I myself have forgotten. I know that I enter numbers into spreadsheets, categorise orders according to client, sharpen my pencils every hour and receive sexually explicit emails from my colleagues. I am not sure what results my labours yield, although I find a certain measure of gratification in forwarding the emails to Louise, who I think is attracted to me.

I receive a phone call at my desk, distracting me from an engaging game of minesweeper. It is Richard, my boss. He is calling to congratulate me on my work. Apparently I am a stalwart of the company and my contribution to team success is irreplaceable. Richard is a homosexual, and his call makes me uncomfortable. I thank him and hang up.

Sooner than expected, lunch time arrives. Today is international food day. Marie has provided hummus. Thomas, who is exceedingly dim, comments that he likes most foreign food, but can’t stand ‘hamas.’ I quip that as awful as Marie’s cooking may be, it is hardly likely to incinerate any Israeli school buses. Thomas says he isn’t interested in politics, whilst the rest of my colleagues stare blankly at me. They are not intelligent people.

The rest of the day passes without incident, as every day preceding it has, and sure as every subsequent day will. I put on my favourite cd in the car, Paul Simon’s ‘Graceland’. My favourite track is the effervescent “You Can Call Me Al,” in which Simon poses the question “Why am I soft in the middle?” before lamenting “The rest of my life is so hard.” I feel that these lyrics, when inverted, aptly summarise the world and my place within it. For were these lyrics to be mine, they would read “Why am I hard in the middle? The rest of my life is so soft.”

I occupy a world mired in the inane. A world of talkback radio, pet psychiatrists and personalised license plates. A world where ‘wardrobe malfunctions’ are deemed more newsworthy than mudslides. Amidst all of this, my inscrutable callousness is of marked contrast with the dispositions of those around me. I am unsure whether it is deliberate recalcitrance or merely an inherent component of my personality that affords me such coldness. I am a razor blade through styrofoam. I am total darkness where there should be incandescence. I am also aware of the futility of self-analysis. I eject the cd and turn on the radio, arriving home to the strains of A-Ha’s “Take on Me.”

After I arrive home, I settle down to watch the evening news with a cup of tea. There is a muffled yelping from under the floorboards where I keep my neighbor’s corgi. Despite my vociferous complaints, Muffin’s owner refused to stop her nocturnal barking frenzies. Her sub-floorboard cacophony is much more tolerable: however, I think I will put a rug over the flooring just for peace of mind.

I retire to my study to pen another love letter to Louise. It has been twenty-four hours since I last wrote her one. As always, I am unable to find the appropriate words to use and veer off on a tangent about my hatred of the asymmetrical part in her hair. The letter is filed, along with the fifteen hundred other aborted attempts.

I am irritated by my inability to capture the essence of my feelings for Louise. I notice that upon the filing of the most recent letter, the cabinet has been filled to its full capacity. Although I am not normally one for such trite sentiment, I feel a strange discomfort at the thought that this may be closure.

I sleep.

I arrive at work at 8.30. I walk to my cubicle, undeterred by the idle chatter of my co-workers. I am faintly aware of Thomas saying good morning, to which I nod to no one in particular.

There is an envelope on my desk. My name is written in immaculate cursive, the flourishes at the end of each letter betraying the enthusiasm of the writer. Next to the letter is a single rose.

I open the envelope slowly, cautious and enthralled in equal measure. Within the envelope is a neatly folded slip of paper and a polaroid photo.

I read the letter first, and it’s succinct yet glorious content renders me delirious.

‘With love, Louise.’

I look down slowly at the photo. In it, Louise is holding Pablo’s severed head whilst blowing a kiss to the camera. She is resplendent.

It is three-hundredths of a second since I realised that the outside is not as soft as I first believed. I am in love.

Alasdair Beer Loves the Third Person, Hates Cup Day

2009-01-01T05:17:00.000-08:00

George Orwell famously wrote in his iconic novel "1984": If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - forever.

If you want an accurate representation of working in Leederville on Melbourne Cup day, imagine a piece of toilet paper sticking to a pair of cheap stilettos purchased from Betts and Betts Mirrabooka and being unwittingly dragged into Alasdair Beer's work - forever.

Australia is a curious place. This seems to be the only country in which public drunkenness is a crime, but which seems intent on finding reasons to very publicly write itself off. Grand Final Day, Australia Day, New Years, Melbourne Cup Day, Spring in the Valley, Kwanzaa, Arbor Day; any excuse will do. It’s a unifying experience, too; cabinet makers and property developers alike rejoice in the egalitarian experience that is walking up and down Oxford Street on your phone yelling:

"CHAPPO! CHAPPO! NAH, FUCKING…CHAPPO YA CUNT! WE'RE GOIN TO NICHE! NICHE! HAHA OI I CAN'T EVEN HEAR YOU, BRING THE GIRLS! NICHE!"

I'd like to think it'd be a kind of poetically just demise if I got to slit their throats with their own MotoRazrs but alas their simian chattering echoed throughout the street, leaving my soul barren like so many deserted Human Movement lectures nationwide.

The fashion of the corporate jock is something that intrigues me. Ostensibly, the Leedy was offering some kind of "Dress like Jay Kay from Jamoroquai and receive free watermelon breezer" promotion, and the amount of hats and pinstripes was truly staggering. I didn't see any "Press" cards protruding from them, but I suppose Men's Health and FHM only have so many contributors: Perhaps they were filming another Godfather movie where the Corleones try to muscle in on Cosmos Kebabs. Regardless, the corporate Mohawk is a difficult style to manoeuvre into a hat, and I respect the ingenuity of all who succeeded in doing so. Also, judging from the broad cross-section of people I saw sporting their sunglasses, "D&G" stands for "Dullards & Guidos."

It rained hard today and human flotsam was bobbing up all around me; I saw one guy with some pretty impressive deltoids being swept away in the deluge. Referencing the colour of his dress shirt, I quipped (to no-one at all): "I thought salmon usually went upstream."

A party bus pulled up and some discerning gent leaned out the window and tried to yell to a girl on the corner of Oxford and Newcastle: "The subtle Auburn of your hair reminds me of the golden fields of my youth, and were you to be mine the sheer volume of my love would prove overwhelming to this earthly vessel; verily, my affections would rupture, tear at the seams of my being, now rendered wretched and inglorious against your splendour and I would shatter - willingly - into a thousand fragments that would festoon the skies with so many celestial monuments to the scope of my infatuation."

Instead, he got tongue-tied and what came out was: "VIEWED! YIIIIIII-EWWWWWW!"

He did have the Japanese symbol for "bold" tattooed on his forearm, and I respect a man who stands by his principles. That the rest of his tattoo, loosely translated, meant "baseball/ Gamera /baseball" seemed not to matter. His shell necklace indicated he was a man of the world.

The rain persisted, arks were cobbled together from Asahi bottles and the women performed their ethnic sea shanties

"I'm here with all of my people/WAAAA--AHH-AHH!"

and I was deeply moved by these creatures and their near-human behaviours.

Horse racing is not a sport. Drinking should be done in front of a typewriter on your own in the 1940s. The Warwick train line should be napalmed. Fuck hats.

The End

Breaking the Cycle

2009-01-01T05:16:00.000-08:00

“I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.” – George Carlin

I fucking hate cyclists. I don’t want to be misconstrued here; I don’t hate people who ride bikes. There’s surely no more glorious a sight than a guy in his fifties on a woman’s mountain bike with two warm bottles of Kirk’s Kole Beer in a plastic bag slung over the handlebars, wearing a shirt advertising a 1997 fun run he didn’t participate in lurching wildly across the road as he tries to adjust his Ill-fitting construction helmet. My ire is reserved for those most loathsome of hobbyists; for each individual member of the phalanx of sexually confused nonsense enthusiasts known as cyclists.

Cyclists are universally reviled largely for their retardation of motorists. My disdain is far more personal. Working in a café has allowed me the opportunity to observe the cyclist at far closer proximity than from the relative safety of a car and to learn more of what makes them tick (unfortunately not a timer connected to blasting caps.)

Behaviour

Cyclists are early risers. Judging by how sweaty all these hairless fucks are by the time they get to my work, they ride for a good couple of hours before stopping off for skinny decaffeinated short macchiattos. Their thimbleful of milk needs to be as weak as possible so as not to temper the buzz they don’t get from their coffee-flavoured dishwater. Having ordered, they then spend the duration of their café visit talking about cycling. After they’re done, they cycle off again for a few more hours.

The only people who get up before sunrise to do something for hours, cease participating in said activity for a couple hours (whilst still discussing it) then resume are meth addicts and cyclists. Cycling is better for your skin, but only half as likely to give you rock-hard abs.

In my experience, women are far less likely to behave in socially inappropriate ways than men. This explains why the fairer sex accounts for roughly 5% of cyclists. The rest are a bizarre kind of alpha male who all have weird monosyllabic names like “Clint”, “Clay” and “Quint” and who don’t believe in social niceties like “please,” “thankyou,” or blinking from time to time. Despite this, they’re uniformly lame and hold themselves in a way unlike your usual football playing jock. This is largely because they’ve waxed all the hair on their bodies and are usually clad in a zipped-down fluorescent one-piece. In zoological terms, cyclists are the lion who tries to usurp the leader of the pride (football jock) only to get a loving spoonful of clawface. The lion then waxes itself and goes to a café to ask if their sponge cake is made of almond meal.

Despite their austere, borderline Asperger’s behaviour, there are strangely homoerotic undercurrents to cycling.

”But how, Alasdair? I mean sure, I’m surrounded on all sides by men with visible moose knuckles, there’s a constant dull ache in my buttocks, I’ve got a hard pole in each hand and all the while a chain is going round and round directly below me but…oh.”

As previously mentioned, the cyclist will also refuse to broach any topic of conversation besides cycling itself. Walking past their tables, one is likely to hear phrases such as:

”Well, I shaved about twelve seconds off my personal best, and about two centimetres off my chest…”

”I didn’t think they were quite tight enough, so I put them in the dryer.”

Cyclist 1: “…and that was that day’s ride. Anyway, that night we stayed in this little village on the Hungarian border and I met the most beautiful…”

Cyclist 2 [interrupting]: “Hey! Enough of that! Tell us more about how chapped your lips got riding into that headwind in Anderlecht!”

Whilst riding, cyclists are never allowed to smile. Grimaces are acceptable, but if the cyclist’s visage projects even the slightest trace of satisfaction, they are compelled to commit cyclist hara-kiri and squirt themselves in the crotch with their impractically small water bottles, making it look to the other cyclists as though they are incontinent. It is imperative that the cyclist is always perilously straddling the thin line between maximum physical exertion and instant death. Allow me to paint a picture of the cyclist in action:

”Quint felt each individual rivulet of sweat as they raced down the sprawling, frictionless expanse of his freshly-waxed chest. The bloodied flecks of enamel that had once been his teeth -long ground away as every fibre in his being fought to buck the axioms of time and space – gritted against the void. What would Lance Armstrong do? Quint decided to find out, and skipped to track 11 of his autobiography Podcast: “Chapter 37: I Felt a Lump in My Sac…So I Just Pedalled Harder.” An acrid stench hung in the air, and Quint cursed that he had opted to ride downwind of Brant, who had eaten chilli mussels the previous evening. His heart pumping nought but lactic acid, his eyes misted over with perspiration, his author fresh out of clichéd expressions, Quint willed himself onwards to the café, knowing that first sip of soy decaffeinated skim weak chai latte would soothe the veritable machete hacks of cramp he was experiencing up and down the length of his quads. With his destination so agonizingly near, Quint mustered the zeal to increase his speed, riding high on the saddle like a gunslinger of old; exhausted; defiant, but never defeated. It was then that an elderly Macedonian man in a 1987 Ford Fairlane drew up alongside Quint; casually – almost contemptuously – he put it into third and began to pull away. As the Garfield plush toy suction-cupped to the rear windshield became progressively smaller, Quint realised that for all his labours, he was, at the crux of his being, now and forevermore – a prat.”

I actually have far more material than I thought I would when I started this rant, so pending my laziness I will post part two some time in the next couple of days.